It's Christmastime Again

Stockings, breakfast, getting ready, big gifts, dinner -

It's my sister and brother-in-law's turn with us,

And this year my aunt and uncle ended up joining us too,

And boy did they get indoctrinated into our traditions!

So many presents - more than any other year.

My brother is building a computer,

And my sister and I got a lot of clothes and boots,

And the rest got lots of fun things, too.

There has been plenty of family time - 

Talking and catching up, which is nice 

Especially since we hardly get to see them
And so many things have changed in five years.

Christmas Is In The Air

And it smells like lots of gifts, too much money spent,
A sibling and in-law, plus distant relatives.

At least there were a few fun parties and dinners,
Work celebrations and early presents.

I miss my grandma, and I'm not sure how this will go,
But here we are so put on that smile and let it go.

Life is Complicated

Relationships are tricky,
The giving and the taking,
The care and the comfort,
The hopes and the hurt.

If eyes are the window to the soul,
They change and they weep,
They smile and they laugh,
They give and they take.

I'm a fixer;
I like to take broken pieces and make it whole,
Take problems and make them better,
Encourage others and help, even when I can't.

I went to group on Tuesday,
And then bad things happened.
Laurie got mad and refuses to come over.
Erin is stubborn and doesn't want the gifts.

It's a selfish culture,
It's all about what you feel right now,
With little to no thought to the future.
Or anyone else, for that matter.

Life is crazy, life is tough,
The world is a huge asshole.
But the world is not all there is in this life.
And people are valuable no matter what.

We Take The Tidbits

We take the tidbits in life,
The little things that give us hope,
And weave it into something to live for.

The kind word, the simple smile, the faintest hope
That something good is going to come.
That is what we people do.

Through pain comes beauty, if we let it.
And it only takes a little hope
To turn the darkest day into something beautiful.

We give anger, we give pain,
Just as much as we receive it ourselves.
But we also are capable of so much more.

There is always hope upon this earth.
So much shadow, so much death,
But always Hope, as long as our Maker is here.

We take the little things
And make something beautiful,
Just like the One who created us.

She Prayed For Us

She prayed for us always, she told me quite often,
Everyone in her family - and others too.
She even called out to God in the middle of the night.

There were two kids, two daughter-in-laws
Six grand kids - five of whom are girls,
And three great grand children by the end.

It is now bereavement leave,
And my sister and brother-in-law came in,
Making this more real than ever before.

Saturday will be an early journey,
One I will never really be prepared for.
She made an impression on so many souls, no one can count.

As I sat at the hairdressers today,
She reminded me that we will all see each other again,
But it doesn't take the sting out of the moment.

Only Jesus saves. I wish everyone would know -
So many would love God if they only knew what He is really like -
Not what mass media or even the church portrays.

That was always my grandma's message -
No matter how convoluted, no matter the generation.
In the end, God loves you, and wants you to let Him in.

Sometimes Tears Are Red

Sometimes tears are red,
Like the blood flowing through your veins,
Like wine dripping from the bottle,
The blood tears as they manifest.

Sometimes tears are blue,
As one struggles to hold their breath,
As they dunk under the water and can't come up,
Like blue ink spilling all over the page.

Sometimes tears are clear,
Like the lies you can't detect,
Like the things coming that you never see,
Ready to swallow you whole, if you let it.

Sometimes tears are black,
Like the hole that you hide in,
Or the poison in your heart,
A pitch black place where you can't see anything.

Sometimes tears are gray,
As your dreams slip away,
As what you once knew is no more,
And life will never be the same.

Sometimes tears are white,
Like the blank space in your heart,
Or the vacant look in your eyes,
Waiting, watching, wanting more.

Most often times tears are variegated,
Containing all that has happened in the past,
What has made you alive and what has tried to kill you.
As they manifest together.

Death Never Takes a Holiday

My grandma died this morning -
The one who wasn't allowed to die.
The one who has defended me and stood up for me
My whole entire life.

I am rotating between shock and sadness,
Crying and numbness.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I miss her so much already.

I hate death.
It never takes a holiday,
And comes completely unexpected,
Leaving destruction in its path.

It's not supposed to be this way.

Somehow We're All Friends

As my brother put it tonight,
My friends and I all speak in hyperbole's,
Including my smartest friend,
Including The One Who Knows Me Less,
And definitely including The One Who Should Know Me Better.

Something happened between Wednesday night and yesterday,
With the One Who Should Know Me Better.
At least she's reaching out,
Even though she no longer wants something from me.

I saw my smartest friend tonight,
Who invited me last minute,
And I wasn't sure if she meant it,
But when she repeated it I came.
She spent time with me and another girlfriend,
Before heading to her boyfriends for the night.

He wants to see my sweetest friend,
The One Who Knows Me Less
(Can I even say that anymore?)
Even though she's been through the most shit,
She's the sweetest one among us,
And deserves so much more than she's been given.

My friend who wants me to move closer,
I wish it were that easy.
I miss her so much,
And her husband and girls too.

I miss my sweet former coworker friend,
Who is the most sensitive soul,
Who has two kids and struggles with so much,
But yet carries on with the strength of a saint.

I miss my first BFF,
Who I hardly see.
We text, that's how we talk,
And we do keep up with each others lives.

I love them all, my six friends.
I want to make more - am in the process of doing so.
But at the same time I need to let them all go,
Into the Father's hands they go.
I cannot save a single one.
No matter how much I would like to.

But somehow, we are all here now,
On this earth, which belongs to the Lord.
I love them all, I think they love me.
Somehow we are all friends.

Me in the Middle

You're three best girlfriends, having a great time,
The personal shopper said to us tonight,
As the three of us were there, looking for an outfit
For the one celebrating an anniversary with her boyfriend.

In the best of times, I could fake it well,
But tonight I am just so damn tired,
And at the end I hope I blocked all feelings,
So that the One That Knows Me Less could not pick up on anything.

We are three friends, that's for sure -
And I love them both to death despite any emotions.
But I wish I had not gone tonight,
Wish I had worked overtime instead.

It's a weird thing to say for sure,
And if I died tomorrow I would not have regretted it,
And would only wish I had been more generous.
But it was a long day, and there are so many complications.

The one celebrating the anniversary is best friends with the other -
And she is best friends with her.
Though I wish we were all best friends like the lady said,
They have the history, and I do not.

It's not like I don't have other friends,
And I had a wonderful happy hour last night too
With potential new friends on top of my other dear ones -
But I wish I could be close with those I apparently can't have.

The One Who Should Know Me Better has only been paying attention to me,
When she wants something from me, which she does right now.
The One Who Knows Me Less said it was good to see me again,
Even though I saw them both (separately) this past weekend.

I wish I was a better faker, and yet also a better friend.
I wish I was better at controlling my emotions,
Even when I'm so damn tired.
But tonight, my heart was not in it,

Tonight, I was too much in the middle of myself.
And no matter how it appeared,
That is not a good place to be,
No matter what it looks like.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time,
Back when we were young,
Before real life got in the way,
Before our grown up jobs,
Before most of our added bills,
Before we grew up into the adults we are now...

My first BFF and I used to go shopping,
At one of two malls, which became our stomping grounds.
We first started during our college years,
And continued into our early and mid twenties,
When I would come back home and see her,
Or we would take a weekend day to shop, eat, and hang out.

It was such a good day, as we did this once again,
With good weather, good company,
As we hit multiple stores that were in walking distance.
We both had some gift cards,
And I started Christmas shopping,
And she did some retail therapy after a rough month.

Change is hard, and we no longer can do this often.
But once in awhile it is nice to revisit juvenile times,
And spend time with someone you no longer see as often.
Because no one can take away what we once had,
And no one can separate us from our friendship,
No matter how times have changed and evolved.

People are People

People are sweet,
Like my one friend who texts me everyday.
It's fun right now, and I'll take it while it lasts.

People are kind,
Sometimes lending an ear,
And giving back love,
Like my one friend a few weeks ago,
During a night I'll never forget.

People are flighty,
Like one of my cube mates,
Who goes in all directions,
With such a fun personality.
I'll just learn to love her for who she is.

People are tough,
Like my boss,
When she is having to make tough decisions.

People are selfish,
Like one of my coworkers,
Who only thinks about herself,
And expects others to cater to her.

People are depressing,
And depression runs rampant,
Which a couple of my friends have struggled with recently.
And even myself, at various times in my life.

People are disgusting,
In the way they live
And treat others,
It's all over the media,
And in mundane life for those who notice.

People are intelligent,
Like the attorney on my team,
Who not only knows his job,
But is expert at dealing with people.

People are creative,
Just ask all the artists, storytellers,
And anyone who uses this gift.

People are elusive,
Even when they're you're friend,
Having a hard time letting others in.

People are People,
With every emotion and attribute under the sun,
Contradicting themselves,
As multiple attributes merge together.

People are complicated.
And ultimately,
Through choice after choice,
People decide which kind of People they will be.

This Thing Called Anxiety

It comes around, it leaves,
It never truly goes away.
It sifts me, it breaks me,
It makes it hard to move.

Work stress,
Friend stress,
Life stress,
All is intertwined.

A missing medical card,
An angry boss,
For reasons I'm not sure,
Do not help this thing called anxiety.

Trying not go get hurt,
While being loving and kind -
Is that even possible?
My anxiety wants to know.

Randomness,
Thoughts racing 100 mph,
Contradicting feelings,
Makes up much of the day.

I'm not smooth like my one friend,
Or artistic like several others,
And I am not in the place I want to be,
But I am alive.

I am alive,
And anxiety or not,
That does matter,
Even on the bleakest darkest day.

 

Sing Me To Heaven

In my heart's sequestered chambers
Lie truths stripped of poet's gloss
Words alone are vain and vacant
And my heart is mute
In response to aching silence
Memory summons half-heard voices
And my soul finds primal eloquence
And wraps me in song
Wraps me, in song

If you would comfort me, sing me a lullaby
If you would win my heart, sing me a love song
If you would mourn me and bring me to God
Sing me a requiem, sing me to Heaven

Touch in me all love and passion
Pain and pleasure, touch in me
Touch in me, grief and comfort
Love and passion, pain and pleasure
Sing me a lullaby
A love song
A requiem
Love me, comfort me
Sing me to God
Sing me a love song
Sing me to Heaven

By Daniel E. Gawthrop

https://www.dunstanhouse.com/2016/02/04/sing-me-to-heaven-the-real-story/

People Are Not Just One Thing

There are many sides to every individual,
And last night, at our last volleyball game,
I got to see one of my friend's boyfriend's different sides.
And unlike the last time, he was not snippy or sharp
But was actually jovial and fun.

No one deserves to be judged on just one mood -
So though my previous encounter was accurate for that night,
And it's true he's not interested in making friends here,
It does not wholly define him,
And he now does not seemed imposed to getting to know me.

I don't know what the future holds,
But I know that in the past few weeks
As I've gotten to know him better as a person,
He can be kind and sweet, patient and laid back,
Not just anxious and moody but also funny and inclusive.

Dinner with a Real Friend

Tonight I had dinner with a real friend,
And one of her good friends,
The one who is close with my cube mate.

Unlike some dinners with a friend,
This time I could be real, open, and honest.
I just hope they had just as good of a time as I did.

A Weekend in Dayton

The Celtic festival was definitely different this year,
With another friend and our friend's boyfriend joining us,
But it was a weekend of new experiences,
And quality time with friends.

Happy, Happy Happy Hour

It lasted more than an hour, but was a great way to spend some time
With some awesome coworkers in the middle of the week.
Three other ladies, two who I work with,
And one a good friend of a good friend of mine.
No regrets about tonight.

Vacation is Over

It was not my favorite vacation,
Being only my family, who are all very different than me,
Wanting to stay inside and talk and hang out more than me,
Versus going out and doing things each day like I would enjoy.

At least we got to see the historic tour of the Mammoth Cave in Kentucky -
The highlight of my trip, seeing what we once learned in school,
Going through multiple passes where we ducked and scooted,
Where the tour guide shared stories of those who came there before us.

I did enjoy seeing my sister and brother-in-law,
Playing games with them and seeing my sister's workplace,
Eating some wonderful food and seeing my fur-nieces.
But now it's over and it's back to work tomorrow.

When You've Been Knocked Down

When you've been knocked down and can't take it anymore,
Cry for as long as your heart desires,
Cry out to God, for he already knows all the pain,
And cares more than any human ever could.

When you still have to go about your day,
Put the protective facade up to the world,
Only letting it down to those who care about you,
And go about your business -

Hurt can make you want to be mean,
But only you can decide how you react.
Emotions will only dictate behavior
If you let them.

All the Right Friends in All the Right Places

So thankful for my friend tonight,
Who told me the truth.

Sometimes we just need those friends,
In the right places, at the right times.

An Evening Bike Ride

An evening bike ride with a new friend 

Did my soul well tonight. 

I hope it did her soul well too.

There is Still Kindness in This World

A few weeks ago I got a new cube mate across from me.
She's not new to the company but new to the location.
She is technically in a different department,
Working directly for the C.O.O,
But she is smack dab in the middle of my department,
So I am going to consider her one of mine at work.

Anyways, she is very nice and quiet and sweet.
She is soft spoken to the point sometimes it's hard to hear her,
But though she is quiet she has been quite initiative.
She is actually a really good friend of a really good friend
Of one of MY really good friends,
So we had heard good things about each other before we met.

When the internet went down (not good for most of our business),
She decided to take a lunch, and offered to grab me something.
I initially declined, but when she asked what I had for lunch
I had to admit I didn't have anything (I didn't have time to grab any).
So she asked what I wanted and when she came back
I asked how much I owed her, and she said I owed her nothing.

I know it's a small thing, but the small things really do matter.
It was also seriously one of the best tasting foods I've ever had,
Because it was such a sweet gesture, and gifts are a language I speak well.
Today started out rough, but I am very thankful for this that reminds me
There is Still Kindness in This World.

There's Something I Don't Like About Him

There's always been something I didn't like about my friend's BF -
It was always very subtle, and I wasn't sure it wasn't just my jealousy,
Because she has in most ways cut me out, and there has been so much hurt,
But now I think there is actually something there - but it is still very faint.

He doesn't treasure her, based on his comment tonight,
Of how she can just take uber instead of getting a ride to the airport,
It was about tone as much or more than the words.
And it sounded like he encouraged the change in plans.

I used to think he did not keep her from her friends,
Based on the texts he sent to her that she showed us,
But now I am not so sure about that.
She would pick up on undertones that he would communicate to her.

The ones before ended it, in actions if not in words.
But this one enjoys her devotion of him, that she is older,
And does not realize that this is born out of her insecurity,
And her fear that she will not get what she wants - marriage and kids.

He does not know this,
But I wonder when he will figure it out,
As she keeps certain things about herself hidden,
And hasn't let herself completely open to anybody yet.

This is not a healthy relationship, on her part and his too.
In that way, they may be like each other, but it is not good.
They should help each other be better people,
And encourage each other to grow and develop.

I cannot say anything to her - this is the first time
I am openly admitting that I am not sure they are good together,
As this is the first time I have connected any reasons,
Other than the very subtle dislike I've always felt.

I am sensitive like that.
But the problem is, I cannot fix it or make it better.
As it is I have to make sure she does not use me as I have let her before,
And I am very much out of the loop of her life.

I love her dearly, I always have, even though her BF and I never connected.
She was very sweet at times this past Saturday to me,
Even in her utter selfishness and while she was with him.
May I never forget those sweet times.

She knows how to butter him up, and strokes his fragile ego,
And in some ways they are good together -
He is naturally sweet, and she is not.
And previously I have told her I liked them together.

I can't not support her now - but how do I support her and yet be honest?
If it comes up I can only mention truth, layered in kindness,
But I am not sure how well that will be received.
She has said he takes care of her so well.

Her whole family likes him,
And she is about to meet his.
I am a friend whose opinion now means basically nothing,
Especially as I am not even sure if he likes me.

I will continually pray for her,
And for God's will to be done.
Maybe this is the way He will reach her?
That is all that truly matters to me.

Friends Come in All Shapes and Sizes

From my beloved kitty cat (who bit me last night - but accidentally)
To my deepest friends, who open themselves to almost no one,
Friends come in all shapes and sizes.

I have six actual friends - it used to be seven,
But the seventh one wasn't really a friend.
Now I have six, and six is enough for now.

To the one who I've been friends with since we were ten -
We share a connection that is unique to us -
And we had such fun at the wedding three weekends ago,
Laughing and talking, like no time had passed.
She is my first and best BFF, no matter what.

To the one I didn't like at first, when I met her,
She has proven to be loyal and caring,
Despite her arrogant and snobby shell,
Though she now has a boyfriend,
Bringing out her selfishness times ten.
I still count her as my friend.

To the one I met through her,
Her supposed BFF and sister.
She liked me first but I liked her too,
And though I don't know her as well,
I hope to someday, as she's loyal and true,
Despite her uneasiness of getting close to another.

To the one who I met only because of the former friend,
The deepest one of them all,
I treasure her words and her stories,
Her strength and her soul, her will to move on.
She can teach me a lot about letting go.
She's one of a kind and here on earth for a reason,
That miracle baby who was born not breathing.

To the one who used to live next door,
I'm glad she got out, as it was haunted.
I just had vacation with her and we bonded
Even more than before,
As we both have OCD and get parts of each other
That nobody else does.

To my latest and yet sweetest friend,
I am so glad I met her.
She was right to get out from her former job,
Where we used to be coworkers,
But we will keep in touch always.

All these friends make an impact in my life,
And I thank God for them everyday.

I Didn't Want to Leave Paradise

A vacation to Charleston, South Carolina, United States.
A good friend, her mother, and three of her aunts,
An old house in the historical section of Charleston,
The Holy City, because of the amount of churches,
But also the city built upon bones and ashes of dead men and women.

We had three and a half days of wonderful weather,
Seeing many sights, enjoying each other's company,
While checking out all the delicious food and drinks,
With daytime historical tours and nighttime bars (and one ghost tour!),
This will be a vacation I will never forget.

Dinner with Another Friend

Tonight I had dinner with another friend -
Another acquaintance, who sits by the first one at work,
Who does not like the one I had dinner with earlier this year,
But who plays some of the same games, only better.

It was actually nice to catch up, as we do have good memories together,
But I did not like when she implied things about another friend,
Practically accusing her of things - only to cause discord.
I know my people - and I am very loyal to them, not to her.

She has tried this with another friend, but I talked to her
And she got mad about what this girl said to me.
But I fear this girl will keep trying, keep trying until she drives an edge,
And she is so clever, so smart, that it is harder to catch than anyone I've known.

I will continue to communicate with mutual friends -
But I will not try to control them, despite my fears -
My fears that they will turn away from me, that they will believe her lies,
That some way she will get in-between us all.

Even though the one friend just yesterday said she is done with her.
This girl will not let go so easily, I have learned tonight.
At least one of my friends saw through her completely,
And for that I am very thankful.

A Memorial Day

May we always remember those who sacrificed for us,
As we sit by the pools and eat good food,
Drinking and hanging out with friends,
For without sacrifice we would have nothing.

This Is Not Okay

Last night I went to a friend's work happy hour,
And hung out with her, her coworkers, and some new people.
As people started leaving and the crowd thinned,
She got a text from someone who recognized her at the bar.

It was someone who she had forgotten but remembered this morning,
And as she played it off last night, talking and flirting,
He got himself and her a shot of her favorite - fireball.
That was when he drugged her.

At the time I missed the sign that they had gotten it at a different place at the bar,
But I caught his friend asking her if she was ready to take uber with them,
Even though it had already been stated that she was riding with me -
Which was the first thing that tipped me off that something wasn't right.

I noticed when the guy put his arm and body between us at the bar,
And created a barrier - I could feel he wanted me to leave.
I leaned over him, looked at my friend, and stared him down.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get in-between you two," he said.

I knew he was lying, but I didn't care, as I had tabbed out.
We left, my friend and I, and I took her home.
That was when things went from bad to worse.
For she was drunk in a way I had never seen before.

I looked up all this information online,
I helped her to the bathroom and kept an eye on her.
I brought her a pillow and blanket and slept right by her.
But while I am thankful that she ended up ok, I am still pissed.

Pissed that a twenty-three year old thinks he can drug girls as he wills,
Who works for the city government, and who has a friend who is complicit,
And who, my friend remembered this morning, did this just two years ago,
Where at the time she did go back to his (then) frat house and slept with him.

That is how he recognized her.
That may be why he came over again, figuring he could get her again,
Or maybe his friend wanted a turn (or likely both).
This is Not okay, and it never will be.

The Lyrics of Being Alive

Someone to hold me too close.
Someone to hurt me too deep.
Someone to sit in my chair,
And ruin my sleep,
And make me aware,
Of being alive.
Being alive.

Somebody need me too much.
Somebody know me too well.
Somebody pull me up short,
And put me through hell,
And give me support,
For being alive.
Make me alive.
Make me alive.

Make me confused.
Mock me with praise.
Let me be used.
Vary my days.

But alone,
Is alone,
Not alive.

Somebody crowd me with love.
Somebody force me to care.
Somebody let me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive,
Being alive.
Being alive.
Being alive!

Steven Sondheim

Boom Goes the Dynamite

On Saturday there was a Cinco De Mayo party,
At one of my friend's boyfriend's house.
It was good, and it was also bad.

A former friend and a former boyfriend were there,
As well as two of my actual friends.
Along with a guy I like but who doesn't like me.

I found out my one friend told him I liked him,
And my former friend tried to convince me to text her,
And when my other friend found out, she reacted.

I spent the night in the guest bedroom next to good guy I like
But who doesn't live here or like me like that,
And he was very kind and sweet and I don't regret it.

My former friend gave me the evil eye,
Which was honestly deserved as I let things out,
But I'm ok as long as my other friend and I are fine.

Somehow my one friend "broke" my former boyfriend,
I am not sure how exactly but I have an idea,
And it was really rather sweet that she kept him away from me.

It was a wild night that night, and even the next day
When I absorbed alone time and took some necessary reflecting,
As well as watching the fourth out of six of the last GOT.

I am not ready for the end.

When You Work With A Victim

And by victim, I mean victim mentality,
Of which too many people encompass.
And one of them I have to deal with almost every day,
The only one who does the same job I do.

For a long time she had been cherry picking files,
Until finally our boss assigned us evens (her) and odds (me).
Now I am so far ahead of her that I have to help her catch up.
While she pretends to be nice and sweet and kisses butt.

She's gotten in trouble this year, for old files undone,
The unpleasant ones no one wants to do -
And for hoarding policies and statements in her drawer,
Which it appears caused her to be written up.

She spent the first twenty minutes this morning shopping on her phone,
And constantly is away from her desk
When she is not on her phone shopping, texting, or watching videos -
Another coworker sees everything she does as he faces her each day.

The reason I say victim is because of her reaction -
Nothing is ever her fault, the universe is just out to get her.
She's a single mom and uses that when it fits,
Such as why she cannot guarantee to get to work on time.

I hate the games and refuse to play, even when she kisses my butt.
It's really just annoying at that point - I have caught her in too many lies.
She even brought her daughter in last week to reinforce her position,
And everyday everything is about her and her excuses.

But each day I deal with it, as one has to,
And a part of me feels for her, knows I need to love her,
But I have no respect for the games or excuses,
Which plague every victim I have ever known.

She Gave Me Her Wedding Dress

It is my grandmother's 93rd birthday today -
She's the only living grandparent I've had since I was 18.
I went in and talked with her tonight,
And she reminded me that she's given me her wedding dress.

She's given other things to other grand kids -
There are six of us in total, five girls and one boy.
She gave one her car when she moved in with my parents,
And at another time a very treasured cedar wood chest.

I have known since I was a kid that I will get her wedding dress,
A thin ivory gown, that I suspect she has treasured the most.
Because for some reason I have always been her favorite grand kid,
And when I was 14 my sister and I tried it on (it fit her better even then).

I appreciate her words of wisdom and joyful spirit,
That does not encompass many who are her age.
She knows she still has a reason for living,
And God has her in His hand.

I know she will not live forever though,
Even though I mean it when I say she is not allowed to die.
And though the wedding dress means nothing to me,
I know I will treasure the matter some day.

The World Will Judge

No matter what you say,
No matter what you do,
The world will judge you.

Be who you are,
Show them anything you want to,
The world doesn't know the truth.

It doesn't see who you really are,
Behind closed doors, when you're all alone,
And the world doesn't need to.

Be who you are,
Say what you say,
The world will judge you anyways.

The Week of The Birthdays

Since one of my friends turned 30 this week,
We celebrated part 1 Tuesday night.
It was a blast, even though I had to work the next day,
And it was fun relaxing and hanging out.

One of my friends had a birthday Thursday,
And last night three of us went out to celebrate.
A night of dinner and drinks, selfies and fun,
Made it worth not making the 5k this morning.

My friend who turns 30 has part 2 tonight,
And a birthday vacation in June that will be part 3.
It will be a blast, though I am a little partied out,
Because as hard as I can party, I need down time too.

I had a work happy hour to stop at yesterday,
As I organized it, being the self appointed social chair,
And I only missed the 5k this morning,
Because we got back so late - at 3am.

I still need to give my friend from last night
Her birthday gift, which is still in my car,
And I wish I had gotten more alone time with her,
As I do not trust the other friend she invited.

Last night a friend of a friend celebrated her birthday,
But though I was invited I was already celebrating with my one friend.
And we stayed by one of the shopping areas all night,
Where I learned the friend I don't trust has anxiety issues too.

The Concert

It came when I didn't expect it
A friend who was once so close
And another who is really an acquaintance,
And someone I didn't know.

It was something,
I had more fun before,
But it is what it was,
And my strength came out before.

There's Something About Kids

There's something about kids
That can brighten your day,
And give you some kind of purpose,
Even at the end of a long week.

Spending time with my friend
And her two daughters
Was the perfect ending
To a tiresome week.

GNO: Girls Night Out

It's always nice to have a girls night out,
Just good friends and fun, no drama or heartache.

Thank you, Jess, for encouraging me to come.
It was a Saturday night to remember.

Welcome Spring

I've enjoyed your sunshine so far -
Please warm up too.
You're my favorite time of year.

The Day Everyone's Irish

For once I really celebrated,

With a friend, her boyfriend, and another girl friend.

Two bars, some food, lots of shots and drinks.

Happy Irish Day to Everyone!

Friday Night Drama

I didn't even want to go last night -
It was my friend, her boyfriend,
Her aunt and her uncle,
So I was the odd one out.

But they picked me up from work,
And on to the concert we went.
It's my favorite Irish band - Scythian.
We had been planning to go since the summer.

Things have been awkward between me and this friend -
At least on my end.
I backed off after I realized she was knowingly being selfish,
And in the last two weeks she has done all the initiating.

But things were pretty good - like old times.
She made sure she knew where I was all night,
And made sure to include me in conversations,
Which tells me she still really cares.

Then I saw that a former friend was also there -
And I ran into her early, in the bathroom.
Then at the end she bombarded me at the bar,
Before moving on to bombard my friend.

We used to all be friends, once upon a time.
And the boyfriend is still friends with her -
It's how they initially met.
But life happens and we have all changed.

Now this once friend wants to get together -
And given my Dinner with a Friend
(Who was also a former friend and now they are friends again),
I don't know what to do.

My only take away from this night of weirdness,
Is to not trust anyone and still hold back,
And to love everyone without expecting
Any of them to love me back.

We All Love Ourselves

It's why we feed ourselves, clothe ourselves,
Try to make ourselves feel better.
We buy ourselves nice things,
And try to foster relationships that make us feel good.

This is not all bad; it is an innate desire in us
To love and to be loved.
But our love is selfish,
And can hurt ourselves and others.

It's why people commit suicide
To put themselves out of their pain.
It's why people leave others out,
And make others bear the burden of their indolence.

I know there are other types of love,
Such as a mother's love to a child,
Which can actually put the child's needs first,
Even at the expense of herself.

But I am just saying that everyone is born
With an innate selfish love that wants the good of themselves,
Even sometimes at the expense of others,
And that is something I have seen a lot of lately.

The First Time

The first time my mother actually admitted
That she and I are very different people,
Was last night, and for once while talking with her,
I was struck with such great relief,
And a feeling of being understood.

I've told her that so much in my life,
But she always denied certain differences,
Thinking we are more the same than we are,
And finally she gets it,
Or at least a part of it that matters.

I've known for so long,
And while this doesn't mean
She doesn't still want me to be someone I'm not
Whether consciously or subconsciously,
It is a great start and gives me hope.

She never likes to be wrong - none of us do,
But finally she recognizes some of our innate differences.
And hopefully there will be more understanding to come,
More understanding of our differences from the both of us,
And how to love each other for who we both are.

It Was a Collage

Before I ever had this blog,
Before I graduated from college,
A long time ago,
When I was eighteen,

I almost died in a car accident.
It was the first time my life flashed before my eyes,
And it was a collage, not a scene by scene.
But God saved my life.

It was in college, on the way to a field experience,
By a driver who notoriously drove recklessly,
But it was a way we got to our classes,
And us freshman had no choice in the matter.

I don't want to ever again be in a Christian bubble,
But I am always belonging to God,
For churches and religion are not my thing,
But God, and Jesus who rules this Earth, are omnipotent.

And regardless of what happens,
May everyone know,
God is the only one who matters,
The only one who makes lives better.

Dinner with a Friend

And by friend, I mean acquaintance,
Who I hadn't seen in well over a year,
Who has reconnected with a former friend,
And now things are just really weird
The only way that life is in ways you can't make up.

She was the gateway to a couple of my most treasured friends,
And I in no way regret meeting her,
As I learned so much when we actually did hang out,
Before she got engaged, and then married,
And somehow we made it together again tonight.

Life is funny that way, bringing people in and out.
My only advice is to be on your guard always,
Unless you really truly know someone,
And they have established trust.
Otherwise, it is just Dinner with a Friend.

A Poetic Evening

Thursday night - Valentine's Day - I went to my first poetry reading.
One of my friends was reading for the first time that night,
And I was there to support her.

She has been single for a couple weeks,
And another friend of hers was just dumped Monday,
And everyone was gathering to support each other.

My friends was nervous,
And at the last minute decided to read two poems
Instead of just the one she had planned.

You see, she has been writing for around 20 years,
And uses it to deal with all her pent up hurt and pain,
So she has a lot of gold to chose from.

So many stories, so much hurt.
There is a whole community of survivors -
Those etching pain into poetry, anger into beauty.

The black lady whose mother was white,
Who was continually asked if she was adopted,
Who has constantly been used and abused by society.

The lady who was raped when she was five,
The woman with six kids,
And the man who dares to let his guard down.

And my dear friend with the forever broken heart,
Who is literally looking for love in all the wrong places,
And has yet to find a guy who treats her like the jewel she is.

I am not much of a poet but I am a writer - and life is meant to be shared,
Whether publicly or through private bursts on an unknown blog.
Because we all share experiences that make up life, somewhere.

Change is in the Air

It's all around, what I want to change and what I wished would not have,
But in the end it is what it is and I have to adjust.

In a way I reconnected with a couple of guys from the old group,
Even went on a (bad, very bad) date with one,
But I am not getting back in, as tempting as it sometimes is.
I have moved on.

The era of E and I are officially over.
It's really been over for awhile,
But maybe I just needed more time to accept it.
I definitely needed the shifts that have occurred.

I am breaking in to a new group,
But making friends is so slow.
At least making quality friends -
Which is what I want.

I connected more with two other friends,
Which is good but I don't really know what that means.
They will be in and out of my life as usual,
As they both have very busy schedules.

I need to love my family more,
I have started working on it.
I need to do devotions,
And really work to move out.

Much has changed, some definite progress this year,
But there is still so, so much to work on.

Winter is Here

The polar vortex last week reminded us all that winter is here,
And she is a Bitch.

The Only One With You

Throughout your life,
The only one with you,
And truly by your side,
Is the One who made you,
The one true God,
Who contains no gender.

What Happened Last Weekend

Ten of us ladies - friends, a sister, a mother, and an aunt,
A cabin in the woods plus a guest cabin beside,
A birthday celebration, two cakes, and multiple games,
Snow, fire, movies, laughter and a whole lot of fun.

Externally, it was a weekend of unabashed fun.
Internally, it was a shift that was greatly needed.

Work Field Trip

It's funny how no matter the age,
Whether a kid in school or an adult in the workplace,
We all get funny when we are off our schedules.

Today my department took a field trip
To the animal shelter we chose as our charity this past holiday season.
This included the money we raised and supplies we bought.

We got to leave work early, throwing off our schedules,
And go to the animal shelter to drop off the stuff
And take a tour (which lasted less than we anticipated).

We took several photos - some which will be dispersed among the company,
And since I did not have any company clothing items that fit me
One of my coworkers generously lent me her jacket.

Once the tour ended and there was nothing else to do,
And since there was an hour left of the work day,
We all went to a wonderful happy hour (except one).

I learned that four out of six of us were shy growing up,
The same four that have some kind of OCD or anxiety disorder,
And it was overall a great bonding experience.

When I mentioned we need to do happy hour as a group again,
And I can organize it since the one who used to left,
My boss mentioned me putting to use my leadership skills.

I learned things about other coworkers, both good and bad,
About how three are praying for our department,
Though the way they handled it may not have been the best.

I learned that my boss is not anti-church, though her brother is,
And I need to go out and learn more about my one co-worker,
Who I struggle to like but who has hurts all her own.

All in all it was a good night, though I had planned to not drink
Until the work holiday party tomorrow (if I make it despite the weather),
And given my boss has mentioned it before, I need to start showing my leadership skills.