Everything is Wrong

This is how it is right now;

This is how it feels.

The job has many issues, one after another.

At least it's a job - but it pays low wages.

One friend has a boyfriend,

And that means he comes first. 

Everything has changed.

I am in the process of letting her go.

Another friend has a new friend,

One of who I had thought was my friend.

I thought wrong. She never said anything,

But I can tell by her actions.

And whenever they do stuff just the two of them,

Especially when it's something I like to do,

It fucking hurts. 

But I do not show it. There's nothing I can do.

I am going to have to see my ex at a friend's birthday party.

I cannot peacefully get out of going to said friend's birthday party.

The election has created a whole divide in this country.

I am tired of seeing the bigotry fired on both sides.

Everything is so expensive. 

There are so much more issues than this.

You have to be guarded with everyone.

The coming holiday seasons are going to suck.

And I revel in saying "Fuck You" to people.

It appears I have some anger issues too.

This Does Not Help My Depression

A broken down car, unable to go where I please
This does not help my depression

Unable to see friends, my most stable part of life
This does not help my depression

Instead I am home, stuck in only my bedroom,
This does not help my depression

And I didn't think it would get any worse.
Boy, was I wrong.

I Saw Him Last Night

It was actually Saturday night, and by him I mean my most recent ex,
The one I cared about more than any of my exes before him.
And he was a dick.

He came in to the party and sat down. Right beside me.
Which he didn't always do when we were dating,
But of course now that I don't want him to, he does.

Then, when the group got smaller and we were all talking,
He singled out my girl friend who was still there and kept asking her to do things.
A roadtrip to Nashville. Out to Tequila Cowboys on Thursday nights for 80s/90s throwback.

What a dick.

My mom thinks he's trying to make me jealous and wants me back.
My friend who was there thinks he just doesn't know how to express he is hurt.
I think it doesn't matter why, he was being a dick and I don't want to be around that.

So here we go, to a world will I will occasionally see him.
Where we have mutual friends (though they aren't really that close).
Where we will have to learn to be pleasant to each other.

But I am not going to volunteer to see him.
I will not invite to any of my events, or go to certain ones I know he will be at.
We are not getting back together. I could write a whole blog about that.

I get that he's hurting, and this is the first time we saw each other since the breakup.
But I am hurting too. I am just moving on, getting stronger day by day.
And it helps that I got a lot of closure from one of his friends.

Bye, bye, my ex. It was fun while it worked. But we are clearly not meant to be.

What I've Learned

I've learned that adults can throw temper tantrums, too (even publicly).
I've learned that adults can be hurt, and in turn passive aggressive (more so than kids).
I've learned that there's no end to grief, to hurt, to pain.
And some adults don't admit it

I've learned that my mother has her own hurts,
Even if she won't admit them (at least to me).

I've learned that running makes me feel good,
That alcohol is only temporary,
And that you can get used to any new normal.

I've learned that I have a lot to learn,
And adulting is something most adults don't feel like doing.

And I've learned that "adulting" is still not a word according to spellcheck.
But I shall use it anyway.

It Couldn't Come at a Better Time

The cruise couldn't come at a better time.

I leave this weekend with two of my girlfriends, 

And my boyfriend and I just broke up.

I Don't Know What We Are

Boyfriend and girlfriend?
Just each other's date?
I know we are both serious,
But that could mean many things.

And then there's the friend,
Who always wants to double.
Who liked him first
Then he chose me.

And when the last one and I ended,
She encouraged me to move on,
To like him,
To go out with him.

And I did.
After she told him I liked him too.
After he got the courage to do something about it.
After a couple weeks of being in-between.

But now I don't know what we are,
And what my friend is really feeling.
We are both busy but him especially.
And it's all so confusing.

Ode To April

Sometimes a girl's just gotta cry.
Also, it's snowing again.

I Met A Guy

There's still one that's good in the world.

Winter is Here

And it should go away.

The Phone is my Lifeline

I know it's not healthy, I know it's not good,
But just like almost everyone else I rely on my phone.

It is my search for answer to questions,
Music when I am bored,
The fastest way to communicate with my friends,
And the tool to keep up on others' lives.

It is my notepad, my book, my ever ready camera.
And most of all, it serves as the medium to which I turn
When I am bored, hurt, excited, scared, or on the run.

So when it decides to start going out, like it did tonight,
It's no wonder I panicked.

My one friend saw and took me to the Verizon store.
We'll get a new one, she said.

You don't have insurance for it, the store employee said.
It's under my dad's account, and need his authorization to add it.
Why he didn't get it in the first place is now frustrating to me.
So no new phone tonight.

Then a boring football game until the 4th quarter,
With friends and acquaintances,
And the guy I'm currently seeing.

Slow service, lots of talking.
Phone off, phone on.
Football watching, boredom plays,
Exciting end, preoccupied friends.

And now I am home with a messed up phone,
And can't do much of anything with it until tomorrow.

Clean Eating

This past fall I completed my first clean eating challenge.
I wasn't sure I'd do it again, but come last week, I felt really crappy
And was just ready to eat right to feel better again.

So, now I am on a team with the same friend who recruited me,
And another friend and her sister-in-law.

Raw week sucks, always. No getting around it.
But it is important in detoxing from sugar.

I never thought I'd do this, but I am very happy I did.
I also started running, and participated in my first 5k in November.

All in all, clean eating signifies what can be done with my life,
And what, thanks to my one friend, I will try and continue to achieve.