There is a Picture

There is a picture of me at 7 years old,

Where the lighting makes me look like I have blond hair,

Even though it was a medium dark brown.

I always wanted blond hair as a child.

When I was a teenager I saw this photo, 

And I did not recognize it, and I asked my mom who it was.

My mom told me it was me.

And I still wonder about this time.

I was in a green fishing vest with a fishing rod,

Even though I didn't like green or fishing.

I remember a man encouragingly helping me into the vest,

And it was by a pool, with people my parents knew.

I know that it was after I was sexually abused

By a half brother of the girl I spent the night with.

I remember feeling in a haze in this picture,

But I am not sure why.

I did have a dream once of being abused by distant family friends,

And found out I was one of many.

I do not remember if it was before or after I remembered my abuse,

But I have a vivid memory of the end of the dream where I found out.

It does not compare to the abuse many have repeatedly faced,

But hearing others' stories brings up this memory

Of a time I can hardly remember,

And I have more questions than answers.

It's a Different Year

What Now?

I don't know what this year looks like.

I know that it has many unknowns and many sorrows,

But also God is here, so there is Good in this world.

It is really hard to see.

God is in this world,

so there is Hope.

I wish

I wish every single person would experience the greatness that is the God I know.

I want to see this God again, but I am stubborn, lazy, and having a hard time seeing past my present shadow.

This has been an odd Christmas, and a very difficult year.

So much has been lost, and no sight of what has been gained.

I wish everyone would know that misogyny lies to us all - 

Because we are all humans, all equal in what God has given us 

And all equal in what has been taken away from us by the fall of us humans.

No one person is better than another human being.

I wish people would realize that the study of science is the study of God,

Because God authored the methodology that defines science.

I wish people would stop being afraid,

Even me,

Because fear is NOT of God.

It is of the adversary, the One opposed to God.

I've been very jarred this year, and people don't truly know what has happened,

Except for God, the One who acts on behalf of those whose hearts pray to Him.

Merry Christmas Song

Build a fire and gather 'round the tree
Fill a glass and maybe come and sing with me

So kiss me under the mistletoe
Pour out the wine, let's toast and pray for December snow
I know there's been pain this year, but it's time to let it go
Next year, you never know
But for now, Merry Christmas

We'll dance in the kitchen while embers glow
We've both known love, but this love we got is the best of all
I wish you could see it through my eyes then you would know
My God, you look beautiful right now
Merry Christmas

The fire is raging on
And we'll all sing along to the song
Just having so much fun
While we're here, can we all spare a thought
For the ones who have gone?
Merry Christmas, everyone

So just keep kissing me under the mistletoe
Pour out the wine, let's toast and pray for December snow
I know there's been pain this year, but it's time to let it go
Next year, you never know
But for now, Merry Christmas

We'll dance in the kitchen while embers glow
We've both known love, but this love we got is the best of all
I wish you could see it through my eyes then you would know
My God, you look beautiful right now
Merry Christmas

I feel it when it comes
Every year, helping us carry on
Filled up with so much love
All the family and friends all together
Where we all belong
Merry Christmas, everyone

It's Christmas time for you and I
We'll have a good night and a merry Christmas
It's Christmas time for you and I
We'll have a good night and a merry Christmas
It's Christmas time for you and I
We'll have a good night and a merry Christmas
It's Christmas time for you and I
We'll have a good night and a merry Christmas time

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Edward Christopher Sheeran / Elton John

Merry Christmas lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

I am Thankful for People

I am thankful for the people who came before me,

First my parents, who loved me from the start. 

They did not always understand me,

But they valued me.

I am thankful for my siblings, 

Who have known me since the beginning.

They were thrown into my world to some extent, 

And have been the best co-travelers there are.

I am thankful for all the teachers I have had,

Both those who were in person and those online - 

The ones in person growing up, had so much 

Influence in my life. 

Those online have been more fleeting, 

But I am thankful for the lessons learned,

Especially those early on

Who taught me that what you say online matters.

I am thankful for those in the church

Who have shown me God's love again,

When I had given up on the church. 

They prove God's love still exists within the church. 

I am thankful for my coworkers,

Who show up each day.

We all share a part of each other's lives

That cannot be taken away. 

It's A Big Deal

It's a big deal to me that my cat is back upstairs with me - 
She has been sick, my feisty Calico. 

I came back from a weekend in New York in July

To my cat, who couldn't help but have bathroom accidents. 

Turns out she's allergic to the food she had been on,

As seen in her yeasty ears,

And she has pancreatitis,

Which has been the big issue of concern.

She got meds, new hydrolyzed protein cat food,

And plenty of nights in the basement - 

She refused to use the litter box I brought to my room,

So she couldn't stay, to my dismay. 

Finally last night she was able to stay up again!

Her pancreas is no longer inflamed,

Per when she last saw the vet a few weeks ago,

And she is now weaned off the steroid Prednisolone. 

I cannot fully express the joy it brings me

That she was there all night, 

Seemingly healthy and eating her new food - 

The second one I had to get her as she refused the first.

I want as much time as I can with this 14-year-old girl,

The third I have called my baby,

The one God specifically gave to me to take care of and love,

And I cherish the time I have with her. ❤

Where I Stand

In this current political environment,
This is all I have to say:

For the Lord is our judge,
    the Lord is our lawgiver,
the Lord is our king;
    it is he who will save us.

-Isaiah 33:22 NIV

We are only answerable to the One who made us,

Who loves us the most deeply,

The One who knows us the most

And still loves us unconditionally.