Christmas This Year

It's not over, but so far it's been pretty great;
It's easily my most favorite holiday of the year.

We kept our annual tradition of order, including
Breakfast, stocking gifts, getting ready, big gifts,
And now we are waiting for the food to be ready for dinner
(I even made my favorite - cheesy potatoes!).

My friends and I exchanged Merry Christmas messages,
And a group of us are texting about New Years,
But this year is family time today,
No going to see any friends.

I got wonderful gifts - I really didn't have much expectation,
And I got so much more than I anticipated!
But my mom got the most gifts, which is well deserved,
As she always makes sure everybody else gets plenty.

It's not always the most wonderful time of the year,
But it's a great day to make the most of precious time.

Merry Christmas Eve

This eve is upon us once again, and this year
I've still got so many presents to wrap.
Good thing I like to wrap presents while
Sitting in my room and watching netflix.

Growing Up Isn't Easy

Yesterday morning my coworker - the one who does the same job I do -
And I both got in trouble with our boss for being notoriously late.
I definitely have had this problem, and her email hit me that
It is time to grow up, and get my ass to work on time.

My coworker was quite offended, and abruptly left
Before coming back to reply to the email.
I don't know all that was said,
But I know what she told me was excuse after excuse.

The problem is, we are both thirty-one years old.
We are both in the grown up world and need to act like one.
Even when you feel used by your best friend,
Or are having major issues with your family.

At some point, we all have to grow up.
And this is a growing up time for me,
Like it or not,
Ready or not.

A Monday Story

When your best friend wants to play hooky to finish decorating for Christmas,
You call off work and spend the day making memories that will last forever.

Run Like A Girl

We ran the race on Sunday (yesterday),
Even though we weren't prepared.
Neither my running buddy nor I had really trained;
It had been over a month so either one of us had run.

It was rough.
And we are both paying for it today
As we did not train like we should have,
And our bodies are wreathing in pain!

Her boyfriend ran it for his first 15k -
And he did the best, absolutely stellar,
Both in time and endurance,
(But he had run more in preparation too).

I had actually been thinking it was a 10k,
Until my friend mentioned that it was a 15k,
So I was just fully unprepared mentally and physically -
Though this was my idea and solution to not doing the half.

We started off strong - we ran a full mile.
Her hamstring started hurting a half mile in.
I did better but my endurance is not there,
And my ankles started hurting later.

We walked and talked, our headphones still on,
Our music blaring, while bitching to each other
(It was needed after our Friday night)
And unconsciously slowed down to a stroll.

We ended up at the back - the very back.
The police cars were behind the last few,
And at one point one cop with a bullhorn
Actually told us all to keep moving along!

We ran some, we walked, we made sure not to the be very last,
But those last three miles were definitely difficult,
And by the end my hamstring was hurting too.
But we made it - and gained a new experience too.

A Good Night

It was a good night after all,
A good night with my friend who is dating,
Who has a boyfriend,
Even if they have not explicitly stated it yet.

This is the friend who was single for so long,
Who had given up,
But who has most potentially found
The One for her.

I'm glad we could have a good night together,
Just the two of us,
At one of our favorite places,
And he didn't mind, and she made plans regardless of if he did or didn't,
For she did not tell him until today,
When he unexpectedly, for no reasons,
Brought flowers to her
At her place, late afternoon, for no reason, just because.

Her walls are melting, I can see.
He is wooing her, so specially.
I like him so far, he is very sweet,
And she is finally reciprocating.

He is similar to me, even as to my age,
He is calm and sweet, and very laid back
And patient yet planning,
And compliments her well.

Like I said, I cannot be against her,
I am very much for her,
I love her to death,
Even as I am letting her go.

But it was a good night -
One I never expected.
As she initially said she only wanted dinner,
Then desert sounded appealing and on her bequest
We each had one more glass of wine
(Though I finished hers, as she only wanted half.)

We told each other that you needed to eat more,
As we both battle with certain similar demons,
And we caught up in all we worldly could,
And ventured into other things as well.

It was a nice, good night.
I hope she sleeps well.
I hope we have these again.
But Lord, please don't let me expect these in vain.

It Will Hurt Me

It will hurt me but I'm for her
In her relationship with him.
As long as he treats her well
Which he has so well so far.

I want to not like him,
And yet I do,
In everything I hear about him,
And in everything I've seen.

And even in my nightmares,
I pray God's Will Be Done,
Because that is all that matters,
No matter what else occurs.

Am I afraid of losing a friend?
Yes, hell yes I am.
But I cannot wish her anything
But the best that can be done.

And even in the trials,
I know that God is with me.
And even if I lose all single friends,
God has a plan for me.

My friend confirmed my thoughts today,
Even if they don't come true.
But it shows we think in unison
And I will miss this single duo.

But God has more planned for me,
This I am one hundred percent sure of,
Just like I had to give up the one friend,
In order to achieve what I have with another.

The future is unknown,
And it really will always be.
But I know the one who has gone before,
And has paved a path for me.

I Want to Run

I want to run and not stop.
I want to sleep and never wake up.
Who is this version of myself running around?
No one knows. On the outside, I hide her well.

This Is How I Feel Right Now

This is how I feel right now, for a myriad of reasons.
I can't put it all into words, but a picture is worth a thousand.

An Impromptu Hour

An impromptu happy hour with another coworker
Does the heart a lot of good. 💛

It Hurts Worse Not to Try

When dealing with relationships,
Which we all unfortunately need,
I have learned that it hurts worse not to try,
Than to try and get rejected.

I first learned this when I was fourteen.
I have spent much of my adult life
Pretending I do not have the hurts that I do,
And that life has always been as good as it got.

But I remember, and in the end I want to.
I remember closing myself up, and refusing to let anyone in.
I remember being the silent one, the one who one classmate
Actually thought never spoke, when I was in 9th grade.

I was not a mute, but I learned to hide myself within.
And as aggressive as I was born,
Through life I learned that sometimes
You just need to shut down - it makes people less upset.

So when today I found out one of my closest friends,
Who I had really felt loved by the night before,
Had voluntarily booked a flight on my birthday to see another friend,
It fucking hurt, and I shut down.

Any other year it might not be as big of a deal,
But my birthday is finally on a Saturday again.
And she doesn't have to be there until a week later,
So it would have been just as easy to book a flight the next day.

Thankfully this friend does not read emotion,
And I hope she only picked up that I was "off".
I wish I had said something, even lighthearted,
Such as "It's a bummer you can't come on my birthday."

But I did not think of that then,
I was trying only not to cry as I wrote the dates down,
And to compose myself so I would be ok
As her aunt, uncle, and best friend were coming soon.

Life hurts, but it hurts worse for those who don't try,
As I have learned the hard way before.
So that is why, despite my hurt,
I will get back up, and love again.

Even to the friend who hurt me.
I am just thankful there is One
Who can heal my broken heart,
Even though I made myself numb tonight.

We Had a Conversation

I've been going to volleyball every Wednesday night,
And there's this one girl on the team who has hated me from the beginning.
But this past week, after the last game of the season,
She came down and sat next to me at the bar.

Now, she was definitely a little drunk.
And I had learned early on that she was just jealous of me,
From another on the team who knows her well,
And from watching her interactions all season.

But it was a good conversation, and long overdue.
We first talked about drinks, as she took the seat to my left,
And it turns out we have similar tastes in both wine and vodka.
And as we talked about life, it was undoubtedly less awkward than one might expect.

She reminds me of a former friend, only more mature.
She has two kids, and cares about them very much.
And no matter how bitchy she can awfully be,
I know she is using that to cover up her hurts.

It's not that we will ever be the best of friends (we won't),
Or that we have to be super close and friendly,
But it was really nice to have a simple and pleasant conversation,
And get along despite everything that's happened.

It Was a Great Trip

Three Friends. Nashvegas.

My sister and brother-in-law.

It was a great trip.

We Have Titles

So my aunt and uncle are here.
We are relatives in title,
But I do not really know them,
Not well at all.

I know their names,
I always have,
And I've seen them off and on,
Growing up and now.

I connected with my cousins,
Once upon a time,
But we all have our own lives now,
And it's hard to connect.

I appreciate the times we do,
The occasional facebook messages,
The letters in response,
And I still love them wholly.

But my aunt and uncle
Would be strangers,
If it wasn't for blood,
If it wasn't for the title.

That is why I don't feel bad,
That I spent most of tonight
On the phone with my sister,
Who as much as we don't get each other,
I think we really can, when we try.

And why I'm now in my room,
Eavesdropping on my grandma and them,
Where they got the years my sister
Has been married all wrong.
At least they thought it was more, not less.

Family is a title,
And I take it with a grain of salt.
Because blood might not be debatable,
But the definition of family certainly is.
And titles mean nothing in the long run.

The Truth About Life

I've always had a desire to know the truth.
Sometimes that makes me an emotional masochist.
But it's okay, because God heals my soul.

You think when you get older things get better,
But they don't.
I was actually warned about this when I was in eighth grade.
At the time, I thought that was not what I needed to hear.
But it was the truth, and I heard it and lived.

Now I know this is the truth about life.
Life does not get easier; in many ways it gets harder.
At least some things do get better, though not easier.

This is life. And the secret to life is God.
Let him in. Let him stay. Let him clean up.
That's all.

I Feel Sick

The Concert I Will Have Fun At

I worked so hard to get here, in more ways than one.
But tonight is the night of the concert I am determined to enjoy.

That Kind of Night

When you're on your period and it's been a bad day, sometimes you make certain decisions. #winenight

This Date in Time

You would have been 35, my friend.
I will never forget all the birthdays we celebrated together.
I always love you and miss you,
You will never be forgotten.

Best Birthday Ever

I wasn't sure at first
There was potential for so much drama
And with my anxiety so high
I was hopeful yet cautious.

I only invited a selective few
First a happy hour for my coworkers
Then dinner reservations for a few friends and me
To celebrate my big day.

My team came out for a few,
The two who I work the closest with,
Along with three of my friends.
A couple friends couldn't make it,
And one coworker joined later.

It was so much of a blast
That I have absolutely no pictures from that night.
I was so busy enjoying the people I was with,
Drinking and laughing, talking and connecting,
That I was hardly ever on my phone.

I ended up spending the night with a different friend
Than I originally planned,
The original one got sick and left early,
And the other one had an extra bed
And wanted to go out more anyways,
And it really worked out in the end.

I can't explain the awesome conversations,
The delicious drinks and drama free night,
Which is what ended up being created
On the night it was only me and my people.

Spring is Here

It may be a month or so late,
But spring weather is finally here.

This Is My Anxiety

When I look normal on the outside
But my thoughts are spiraling within
This is my anxiety.

When my insecurities bombard me
And I have to recollect myself
This is my anxiety.

When I smile at work,
But am forcefully collecting myself within,
Or at least as much as I can,
Enough that I appear normal on the outside
This is my anxiety.

I overslept past my alarm,
And my back left tire was flat this morning,
Making me a half hour late.
I think this is what set off my anxiety.

At work I am helping pre-close,
Doing parts of my old job,
And only doing my current one sporadically,
While I wait for more legals to type.
This does not help my anxiety.

I'm unsettled about last night,
Only God truly knows why,
But I guess I shall see
If anything has changed.
This is my anxiety at play.

It likes to play around with me,
To make me question the loyalty of my friends
And everything I know to be true.

In those moments, I fight,
I fight my anxiety.

It helps to know a lot of people struggle with it,
A lot wrestle with their own demons,
Whether they look the same or not.

It helps to crochet, to write, to watch TV,
To sleep, to lay down,
To recognize that this is in fact anxiety.

And that is why I am holed up in my bedroom,
Doing laundry and drinking wine,
Spending some time collecting myself
In one of my safe places.

Because my anxiety = my crazy.

And that is something I work to keep at bay.

The One Who Knows Me Less

The One Who Knows Me Less
Knew I would be hurt
When they both ditched me
And told the One Who Should Know Me Better

I appreciate that about the her,
The One Who Knows Me Less,
And tonight my actual friend,
The One Who Should Know Me Better,
Found out when I did not deny it,
As I will not do when she asks me,
When she brought it up,
Even when she said she felt bad that I was hurt.
I appreciate that she cares that I felt hurt.

I will also call her on her shit,
And speak the truth about
What is really happening,
As she can be easily manipulated
And I have a stronger personality,
Even on medicine.

The One Who Knows Me Less,
Is a reader of friends,
Of the room,
Of all around her,
And for that she knows a lot,

The One Who Should Know Me Better,
Is not a reader,
Has sister issues,
And has graduated to seeing me as a friend,
Versus a younger sister to watch out for.

I am not sure if that is a compliment
Or an insult,
But I know that it is the end of an era,
For better or for worse.

And I will remain loyal to both,
In different ways,
To the One Who Knows Me Less,
But is fiercely loyal and honest,

And to the One Who Should Know Me Better,
Who cares regardless of her lack of reading people,
Regardless of her arrogrance
Which makes her realize less than those who aren't,
And of her limitations and sister issues,
Because she is my friend,
And I love her for who she is,
A person with a very kind heart
And a caring personality.

I am just amazed at life,
At how things play out,
And how life has become
The Person Who Knows Me Less
And The Person Who Should Know Me Better.

It's Sad All Around

When friendships change,
When friendships end,
It's sad all around.

Once super close,
It started unraveling over a year ago,
And now we hardly talk,
And it's sad all around.

Things came to a head last summer,
I backed off,
It's sad all around.

We started doing better in the fall,
We were still dealing with issues,
But we still saw each other,
And now it's sad all around.

Last time we texted was Easter.
It's awkward and I don't know what to say.
It's awkward and she doesn't know what to say.
It's just really sad all around.

Maybe we can recover,
Maybe we can still be friends,
Hopefully it does not completely end.
That would be extremely sad all around.

I do not know the future,
I have not cut her out,
Regardless of if she cuts me out.
It would be extremely sad all around.

I just know that I will survive regardless.
There's hurt on both sides,
No matter how you look at it,
It is simply sad all around.

We Moved Today

We moved today
Our whole office department
Joining Corporate and the Law Firm
And soon certain Escrow and all of Commercial.

I have a good view,
I can't complain,
Although I don't know if it's a compliment
That I'm the farthest from my boss's office
Or an insult that I'm by the cute C.O.O.

It's farther away, but in a much better building
Way more people, but a way bigger space.

I have mixed feelings, but it doesn't matter,
There is no choice in this,
Just life moving on.
I will continue to do my job, typing away.

The Cruise Part II

May it be much better than the first.