This Is How I Feel Right Now

This is how I feel right now, for a myriad of reasons.
I can't put it all into words, but a picture is worth a thousand.

An Impromptu Hour

An impromptu happy hour with another coworker
Does the heart a lot of good. 💛

It Hurts Worse Not to Try

When dealing with relationships,
Which we all unfortunately need,
I have learned that it hurts worse not to try,
Than to try and get rejected.

I first learned this when I was fourteen.
I have spent much of my adult life
Pretending I do not have the hurts that I do,
And that life has always been as good as it got.

But I remember, and in the end I want to.
I remember closing myself up, and refusing to let anyone in.
I remember being the silent one, the one who one classmate
Actually thought never spoke, when I was in 9th grade.

I was not a mute, but I learned to hide myself within.
And as aggressive as I was born,
Through life I learned that sometimes
You just need to shut down - it makes people less upset.

So when today I found out one of my closest friends,
Who I had really felt loved by the night before,
Had voluntarily booked a flight on my birthday to see another friend,
It fucking hurt, and I shut down.

Any other year it might not be as big of a deal,
But my birthday is finally on a Saturday again.
And she doesn't have to be there until a week later,
So it would have been just as easy to book a flight the next day.

Thankfully this friend does not read emotion,
And I hope she only picked up that I was "off".
I wish I had said something, even lighthearted,
Such as "It's a bummer you can't come on my birthday."

But I did not think of that then,
I was trying only not to cry as I wrote the dates down,
And to compose myself so I would be ok
As her aunt, uncle, and best friend were coming soon.

Life hurts, but it hurts worse for those who don't try,
As I have learned the hard way before.
So that is why, despite my hurt,
I will get back up, and love again.

Even to the friend who hurt me.
I am just thankful there is One
Who can heal my broken heart,
Even though I made myself numb tonight.

We Had a Conversation

I've been going to volleyball every Wednesday night,
And there's this one girl on the team who has hated me from the beginning.
But this past week, after the last game of the season,
She came down and sat next to me at the bar.

Now, she was definitely a little drunk.
And I had learned early on that she was just jealous of me,
From another on the team who knows her well,
And from watching her interactions all season.

But it was a good conversation, and long overdue.
We first talked about drinks, as she took the seat to my left,
And it turns out we have similar tastes in both wine and vodka.
And as we talked about life, it was undoubtedly less awkward than one might expect.

She reminds me of a former friend, only more mature.
She has two kids, and cares about them very much.
And no matter how bitchy she can awfully be,
I know she is using that to cover up her hurts.

It's not that we will ever be the best of friends (we won't),
Or that we have to be super close and friendly,
But it was really nice to have a simple and pleasant conversation,
And get along despite everything that's happened.

It Was a Great Trip

Three Friends. Nashvegas.

My sister and brother-in-law.

It was a great trip.