Sometimes

Sometimes things are better with my parents,
Than the times I mention to my friends.

Right now is not one of those times.

At least my dad was back to being friendly tonight,
But I hear from my brother that my mom is indeed mad
(I knew this but it's still upsetting hearing it from him)
And will have to get some things off her chest.
My comment to him was, "Not tonight."
So I have that lovely lecture to look forward to.

This is the price I pay to live here.
Why can I not have parents who are different?
Who are more like one of my friends' parents,
Less judgmental and more accepting.

The truth is, I have felt loved by my friends
In ways I never have by my family.
And I know they think they are loving me,
But that is not what comes through most of the time.

I know it is my fault for staying here so long.
But I honestly thought it had gotten better,
After Thanksgiving two years ago (2012).
But now I see it only works,
When I am doing exactly as they want.
Being the good girl they want me to be.
Not doing certain things.

The fact is, though, it doesn't matter why I stayed,
The fact is that I stayed, and that is my fault.
And I have to fully own that.

And I now have to take steps to move out,
This time unwavering, this time slowly.

And I don't know who I can tell about these problems,
Which of my friends would be good to confide in about this.

The Bad Child

I was that bad child.
The one who pushed the boundaries,
The one who did not comply,
And the one who never fit into what my parents expected of me.

I am now an adult,
So they cannot rule over me.
But I do live with them,
So they can see too much of my comings and goings,
Judging and exercising their opinions as they see fit.

Besides the fact that I need to move out (badly, again),
And that I cannot afford to until I find another, full time job
I am stuck in this hard place where I am "free" to live my life,
But not really.

I am free to do as a please,
But I am not free enough for them to respect me,
To trust me (and quite frankly, their parenting, though
The fact that I never fit into their mold probably has something to do with it),
Or to give me the complete space that I fully believe an adult should have.
I had to fight, several years ago, for what space I do have.
(And that is another story altogether.)

That is one reason I love my friends so much.
They will tell me when they think I am being stupid,
But do not judge me and give me freedom to be myself.
Oh, they will not let me drunk drive, as seen multiple times,
But they respect my choices and let me be who I want.
And that counts for so much.

I have never felt that from my parents.
My brother claims they do,
But he is not me, and was never the "bad child".
And as much as he understands things,
Sometimes he just misses the mark in what he tells me,
Even if he truly sees more sides than he conveys to me.

And my brother, who has been the closet person to me for years,
Has a hard time because he doesn't get this side of me,
Not in the way of wanting it,or accepting it as a part of my life.
He seems to wish I wouldn't do certain things, because he sees the danger.
But it is possible to have fun and not get hurt,
And I wish he would accept and trust that.
As it is he has backed away from me so much.
And I get that it's to protect himself, but it's still hard on me.

So I guess this is just a post to vent my frustrations,
When I get home after spending the night (and most of the day) at a friend's
And they act all weird and non-talkative and silently judging,

I am not making the initiative to talk.
I do not care to hear their opinions.
They assume things, and I am tired of always having to explain myself,
And next time I am not giving them any details
When I don't come home but stay over at a friend's.

After all, I am an adult, and this is my life.
I just live in this house (which admittedly needs to change),
And until I can move out I will be distant in certain things
And mind my own details about stuff like this.

I Went Myself

Not to church this morning -
I dragged my mother with me to that -
But to the group tonight,
I went all by myself.

Usually I do not like to,
And I was very nervous,
But I can be outgoing and was,
And for that I am proud.

Next week I will go to church alone,
And check out other groups, also by myself.
My one friend went to a Bible study herself too tonight,
To which she did not invite any of us (her friends) to.

I do wish I could have been with my friend too,
Who invited me to watch the Golden Globes.
But I knew I would regret missing this opportunity,
Even though I wish I could have been there too.

I am excited about the opportunities I am creating,
Meeting new people and developing relationships on my own,
Especially in light of the fact that I tend to like to meet others
When I am already with friends I know
And this, meeting others alone, will help me grow.

It Went Well

Tonight the three of us got together for the first time
After the big fight in mid November.

(I am not counting the ball because there were five of us
plus our dates, and we didn't even all sit at the same table.)

I was nervous, but it actually went very well.

Everything was calm, and we were able to catch up.
I had grieved the loss of the threesome
And then come to accept that it was over,
Then when it wasn't, I was cautious and not sure
I wanted it back. Because it led to the fight.

I still will remember those earlier months pleasantly,
Even though I felt left out at times and
It wasn't as rosy as I like to recall.

I do still miss seeing them both two to three times a week,
Though I still often see the first one I met that much.

We have all changed; we are not the same people we were when we met
And the test is to each stay friends as we each grow and change.

When we were all spending so much time together
None of us were doing devotions regularly like we should have,
And since the change we have all gotten back into that.

It was both sad and good to hear and verbalize these and more changes;
But overall, it definitely went well, and for that I am thankful.

I Hurt My Back

I'm not sure why, but on Sunday my lower back started hurting.
It hasn't gotten significantly better, and at times it has gotten worse.
It has all the symptoms of a pinched nerve,
And I've started trying the home remedies to relieve it.

But today it got the best of me,
And I laid in bed with the heating pad
For most of the day.
Then it felt better until I coughed.

I really don't know what I am going to do.
I have to work tomorrow
And I really don't have insurance or the money
To go see my doctor.

It seriously hurt to walk at times today,
And I am not sure how long it will last.
This kind of rules out my plans tomorrow
Of going salsa dancing with a friend.

At least it gives me perspective
On those who live with chronic pain.
And makes me feel like I have been blessed,
Even with all the emotional crap I've had.

An Impossible Wish

Recently I read a quote that said loving without getting hurt is an impossible wish.
I really wish it weren't so, but that quote seems to be true.
And no one is exempt. Even two, six, eleven, and fifteen year old girls.
Who have to watch things they should never have to see.
Is there such thing as pure love in this world?
The closest I have seen is a mother's love, but even that creates pain.

Sleep, dear girls, and learn from your elder's mistakes.
You are loved, even if all earthly love fails.
You will always be loved by the one who created you.
Maybe that is the only true love out there.
But it's enough to remind you to love again,
And gives you the strength to carry on.

It's the only way I've been able to love again.
I hope to pass this hope on to you, dear sweet girls.

I Miss Our Nights

After my brother came home from college the last time,
We used to watch TV together every night.
For a long time it was How I Met Your Mother,
Over and over again, then mixed with other shows.

Then it turned into movie nights when I was teaching,
And in the past couple years it became a mixture
Of new shows that we kept up with,
And some movies and reruns.

We would drink and get food,
Talk and watch on the TV in the basement.

But now his work schedule is crazy,
And for over a year it has not been the same.
Every night turned into most nights,
Then slowly most nights turned into a few,
Until it became where it is now: hardly ever.

I know we are both busy,
And I always knew it would pass.
That's why I just enjoyed every minute of it
And made the most of it while I could.

I do not regret our many nights,
And since then I have spent more nights out with friends.
But sometimes I really miss our nights,
When we would just get together and hang out.

It's Always Something

Last year, I started out the new year sick.
This year, I was fine until today,
When I realized I can't find my wallet.
Something always happens to start the new year off rocky.

Last I saw it was yesterday when I bought
Popcorn at the movie theater.
It is very possible it dropped there,
But will they find it?

If not, I'll never know where it ended up.
I have a bad feeling about it.
I am too calm.
Usually when I get upset everything turns out okay.

I cannot find it anywhere in the house,
Or my dad's car, or my nanny bag.
It's not in the purse where it belongs.
There has been no unusual activity on my card.

This has never happened to me before.
I am actually surprised I didn't lose it at the bar
Where I left my purse with my drunk friends.
No, I lose it stark sober, sometime after I go see a movie.

Update 1/3: The theater found it after being called,
So I picked it up this morning. Yay! :)

Happy New Year

Apparently, out of all my friends there last night, I am the only one who remembers everything. :)