I Don't Do Resolutions

But I do have goals.

First, for New Year's Eve I want to take a more proactive approach.
There were two parties I was invited to and I am still figuring out the details.
All I know is I have a lot of people to text tomorrow.
I think I've already convinced a friend to join me after the movie though. :)

I will seek to find a church that I can become a part of.
My one friend stopped inviting me to hers
So I haven't been going and I really miss the fellowship.
I know which church I will start with as one of my sister's friends attends.

I need to write more. This encounters many things,
Including realizing my dreams and actually doing something about it.
Too much of my life I've lived to let things happen to me,
And it's time for me to take a proactive approach in shaping my future.

Make new friends.
My brother is right that the ones I've made this year
Have been out of convenience.
It's time for me to seek opportunities to make new friends.

Write more letters to my Grandma.
I started out last year doing well,
But I've let it slide.
And I don't know how much longer she'll be on this earth.

Here's for new hopes, happy dreams, and fun times!

I Don't Know How I Feel

A night out with friends,

A Mayflower, Fireball, and 1 and 1/2 Long Islands,

A restaurant and bar,

Some drunken texts,

Night spent at a friend's.

Not how I pictured last night going,

With fun followed by sleepiness,

A restless night with the cat,

An upset stomach because of the damn fireball (which I am not having again!),

And memories coming back to me.

I am not sure how I feel about all this,

About how drunk I was and what all I said,

About my hangover and the fact that I was close to being blackout drunk.

But it happened and I lived.

We are all still friends (as far as I know),

And it was a blowout way to end my after-Christmas Fun

Before I go back to work tomorrow.

This Christmas Day

My dad decided to vary the routine this year,
So gift opening has been scattered throughout the day.
Two stocking presents, breakfast, rest of the stockings,
Some big gifts, a family meal with two guests.

They also want to go see a movie today.
I don't, because I was invited to go to a movie with my friends.
But I cannot say no to my family without being a jerk.
So I will end up having to cancel with my friends.

I know Christmas is supposed to be a family day,
And every other year it has been.
But now I am finished with my friends' gifts,
And I really want to go do something,
And see people I love outside the family too.

I like all my presents so far.
We will open the rest after the movie.
I will do the scattered present opening
Only because my dad requested it.

All in all, it's a weird and restless Christmas,
With obligation to stay with my immediate family,
Except my sister and brother-in-law who live out of state.
With how I really feel being a not-so-secret secret.

Update: It ended up that my brother could not go,
So we did not do a family movie.
I went out with my friends :)
And we opened the last big presents when I got back.

On Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve this year,
I slept in until past noon,
And only then to get up to go to
A Christmas Eve service! Ha!

All my presents are wrapped,
And I finally got into some sort of Christmas mood.
It's different than in any year past,
But it's something calm and I'll enjoy it.

Had a blast at a party last night,
Though it was very different than the other party I attended.
I have two very different groups of friends,
Both of which I like and it's fun to experience both.

I am ready for tomorrow finally.
We celebrate my mom's birthday tonight.
I was invited to a movie tomorrow night with friends,
But I might be too busy with family.

All in all, it's a weird Christmas,
But it's finally Christmas Eve,
And I've watched all my favorite holiday movies,
Wrapped all the (family) presents,
And am chilling while finishing my friends' gifts,
Which I had already decided were going to be given late!

Party Like the Holidays

When all else fails, 

Hanging with long time friends 

Is a recipe for cheer.

On Saturday night two of my best friends,

One being my best best friend and the other a newer one,

Went to a party at another one of my old time friends' home.

We ate, we played, we danced.

We had our annual white elephant gift exchange.

The bird my friend named showed its presence again, 

And the shorts I received are making a comeback next year.

It was super fun,

And I showed the one that I can have a good time at a party

That does not include alcohol in any form

(Because she seriously didn't believe me when I told her I could have fun without alcohol)

My grieving friend had fun relief for a night,

And the other was introduced to a whole new world of friends.

Which I am honestly conflicted of,

But she has shared her friends, and it's not like I own mine.

Finally in the festive mood,

Though different than in years past.

With my schedule so busy 

I am glad for time off work coming up!

When Grief Hits the Holidays

On Friday night my best friend's mom died.
I know we're supposed to say "passed away",
But I've always stayed away from that
Because death does leave a sting.

Last night was the calling hours.
I stayed for the full two hours,
As a best friend should.
I was glad my friend could still laugh with me.

This morning was the funeral.
I did not wake up to my alarm.
I went late but did not get to see her.
I don't know how I'm going to forgive myself.

Now come the holidays,
And I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to comfort her,
When to give her space and when to pry.

Hard days are ahead for all in the family,
The husband who has taken care of her for years,
Her oldest who is the strongest right now,
The youngest who was closer to her,
The sister who was like her best friend and
All the others who loved her dearly.

I texted my friend, that's all I can do.
I have to wait and see what happens.
Will she be mad she didn't see me?
I am mad I didn't see her.

This is new territory for me.
I've never had a close friend lose their parent before.
It was inevitable, but unexpected.
She was doing better, the doctors said.
She was supposed to go home Monday.
She just went in thinking she had the flu.

Life will never be the same,
But it can still be good again.
Sometimes that is hard to see,
But in the  midst of my own storm,
I have to look around and see others in theirs.
And help them in any way I can.

My Favorite Blog

My favorite blog is the Storyline Blog,
With posts from various authors,
And this post explains where I am right now
When I can't explain it myself.

The Inner Grinch

I am going to work on the tips to deal with it.

This is the First Year

This is the first Christmas ever that I have not gotten into the holiday spirit.
I am not saying it will never come, but between the emotional roller coaster
Of friends fighting, working 47 hours a week, and general busyness
I am just worn out and not feeling the season of cheer.

Meanwhile, I still made a Christmas list, both of what my parents could get me
And what I am going to give to others.
And little by little, store by store or craft by craft,
I am checking off the items on my list.

Sometime soon I will have a Christmas party for myself
And wrap all the presents, send all the cards, and
Watch my two favorite holiday movies:
Home Alone and Home Alone 2.

Maybe then I will be in the Christmas mood.

Hello December

I am not ready for you yet.

The Boy Problem

They are jerks who lie.

{Obviously not all of them, but the ones who I'm referring to, yes.}

That is all.

What I Will Say

For the first time in years, we went away for Thanksgiving.

And when anyone asks, I will say it was good,

It was fine, it was nice.

I will tell of the nice apartment where my sister

And her husband live,

And of the nice apartment we rented

To spend the nights.

I might tell of taking a 4 hour nap

On Thanksgiving day 

Between brunch and the turkey dinner

And possibly relate how my mother

Threatened to ban me from playing games

When I got a little too competitive.

I still think it's funny that my phone 

Was taken away during the meal,

Even though it was like the only time

One of my friends texted me.

I will not tell how I cried off an on,

How I felt like my friends forgot all about me,

And how I really wished I could've shopped

But we didn't because I was the only one who wanted to.

I will not say how much my brother irritated me,

And how I felt like he was picking on me.

I will also not relate how I felt like I annoyed him,

When I could see it but just couldn't help myself.

I will tell of how I enjoyed visiting with my

Sister and new brother-in-law;

And that is not inaccurate.

But the sad moments were more than the happy,

And the storm has been more than the calm.

But that would hardly be taken well,
When asked to recount how it went.

How To Pick A Fight

Accuse.
Hold Grudges.
Yell.
Blame.

This all happened, the weekend after one of their birthdays.
They are not speaking now,
And I am brokenhearted.

My friends, please come back.
Forgive, and be healed.
Tell each other when you are hurt,
Instead of holding it in.

Then life will be much better.
For everyone.

I don't know if they will ever come back.
I don't know what will happen and it terrifies me.
And right now, I have a huge sad place in my heart.

Life

It's Complicated.

A Little Bit of Everything

It was great to see relatives that I like

Yet haven't seen for three years.

My cousin's kids are absolutely adorable, 

Though I may be a little biased.

My friends got into a fight on the Tuesday

Before the wedding

So my nerves were bad

All through that week.

The wedding was great -
My goal was for my sister to enjoy it.
It wasn't my style but it was hers,
And I enjoyed being the princess's sister for a day.

Now that the wedding is over
I might pick up more babysitting jobs,

As the meeting went well last night,

And I could really use the money,

My two friends (the ones who fight sometimes)

And I are going to a Halloween party tomorrow night.

It should be fun (hopefully).

We have a hotel room for the night.

I absolutely love the holidays

And am so glad it's almost Halloween

Then Thanksgiving

Then Christmas.

Life is crazy, fun, not fun, and everything in between!

Lost in a Whirlwind

My sister is getting married on Friday.
The rehearsal dinner is Thursday.
The bachelorette party is Wednesday.
I just found out last night that one cousin and family is coming Tuesday.
Today is Monday.

I still have to shop for make-up and party decorations.
I still have to finalize games for bachelorette party.
I still need to pick out dresses for both Wednesday and Thursday.
I need to go to the liquor store for vodka.

Today my sister and I are going shopping for wedding decorations for the sanctuary
Then finishing the programs for the wedding.
Tonight I am exercising with my friends,
Because this is how I relieve the tension and stress.

I am so grateful for my sister's friend Jessica who is hosting the bachelorette party.
And for picking up the snack tray and wine for Wednesday.
And that my sister did so much of the planning herself (by choice),
And that my friend Aimee gets to be a part of the rehearsal dinner and wedding.
And that I get to be the Maid of Honor.

But it sure is crazy stressful!!!

The Problem with Relationships

They are hard.
They hurt.
They are unpredictable.
Their benefits make the hard times sting even more.
They bring hope but also despair.
They have too many expectations.
They have not enough selflessness.

Are they worth it?
Hell yes.
But they still suck sometimes.

When Helping Annoys

So lately I've been unclear about my future job-wise.
I do love the family I'm with,
And I am not immediately planning to depart,
But the boy is getting older and eventually
I will no longer be needed.

The problem is that my degree is in education,
And I don't want to do that anymore.
And then people, probably with good intentions,
Spout off other jobs that I should try.

I want out of childcare; I know that.
I don't like administration: I also know this.
I need a full time job: This is for sure.
I do not want to work at a church: No I really do not.

It doesn't matter how helpful these friends,
Acquaintances, and even my hairstylist
Intends to be.
There are some clear lines I've drawn for myself
And no matter how much you tell me I'd be good at it
There are some things I know I just do not want to do.

So, I move on, in my in-between job,
Looking for full time placements.
You know, like at a bank
Or the government,
Where I can work my day job
And do my passion (writing) on the side.

Sad Times In a Row

It's just as much a storm inside me as 

it has been on the outside this week.

It Still Feels Like Rejection

I get that it's not about me,
That she needs more time alone,
And that though she initiated it,
She now knows she cannot handle it.

It still feels like rejection.

It was a dreary rainy day,
With fall thunderstorms in play,
And a busy afternoon,
With frustration at my fitting.

It feels like depression.

She told me she needs more alone time,
Though I've gone to her place
Almost everyday since July
At her suggestion and invitation.

It still feels like rejection.

It hurts, and I am sad.
But I will get over it.
I am not mad, like she thought.
I listen to painful songs that speak my mood
So I can get over it.

I definitely feel my try of suppression.

It's not about me, she says,
And I rightly know it's not.
I am now more extroverted,
And she is only more outgoing.

The outgoing girl who needs time to herself.

I get it, I really do.
But I can't help but feel like
I am being rejected.

I've Said Too Much

I am really tired of my family

Holding one of the friends 

I regularly hang out with

High up, and the other down low.

They haven't met the latter,

And the former has secrets they don't know.

Their judgement annoys me,

And it's partly my fault.

I've said too much about the latter,

And purposely kept stuff about the former.

Not so they'd gather opinions,

But simply so I'd get advice

About my fighting friends.

And now it's come to bite me,

Where I'm stuck in this place,

Where I like them both,

And I don't want to hear their opinions.

Where I Was

On September 11, 2001 I was in high school.
I had finished history class and a test in German class,
Then came to choir to learn that the towers were being hit.
On of my friends asked what movie it was from.

With the exception of my Algebra 1 and English teacher,
We watched the news during class.
I forgot to do my Algebra homework that night,
Because I was so focused on the news.

I didn't know anyone personally who died.
But I heard of a man who went to the church
Where my mom worked
Who was supposed to be on one of those planes.

He didn't get on because right before he was about to board
He said he felt a really strong feeling that he should not get on.
I later read of one of the pilots who was on the hijacked plane,
That usually his wife goes with him and she didn't that time.

Later I learned of countless sad stories,
Where there were no good endings.
At college I read that one of alumni from my school
Died that day, leaving behind two daughters.

My response is,
Don't forget.
Do remember.
Then shine on, America. Shine on.

Sometimes You Just Need a Hug

Sometimes you just need a hug.

The Games People Play

Sometimes I look at the games people play,
And I'm like, "Do I really want to do that?"
I know that sometimes to get ahead in this world
You really gotta do it.
But then, if those games aren't good,
I am part of the problem and
Maybe if everyone stopped
The world would be changed.

These are some questions I ponder.

A Summer Summary

An ironic thing happened to me this summer,
This summer that I wanted to pass by quickly.
I made several new friends, and reconnected with old ones.
And now I have become engrossed.

I need to get back into writing,
For storytelling is my art.
I need to socialize but also appreciate time alone,
Because it is there that I meet God most abundantly.

This summer has turned out to be one of the best in years.
I participated in more than I ever thought possible,
And gave up one of my most cherished collections
That was holding me back.

All in all, it was a good summer.
Just when I really least expected it.

No Good Outcome

On Saturday two friends got in a fight.
It wasn't fully resolved.
But there is no good outcome
If I were to try and intervene.
Even though I was there.
(And oh how I want to!)

I'm afraid one has been thinking I took the other's side,
And the other I don't get to see.
The one I hang out with most told me tonight
That she doesn't want to talk about the other anymore.

I get that, but also I'm afraid.
I honestly think they will eventually work it out,
But I also know it has the potential not to.
I really pray they can come to an agreement.

Because if they don't, I will just want to cry all the more.

I Hate This Need

Since when did I become so social?
Since when did I become even more reliant upon other people?

In truth, I have always needed other people.
I have always had potential to be a social butterfly,
To dislike times alone where no one can see me.

I have stopped denying it.
I have kind of embraced it.
But I hate this need to be busy every night of the week,
Which is so opposite of my many years
Where I guarded my time alone so carefully.

I still like sleeping.
It is a hobby of mine.
But I like socializing more,
And I hate this need of mine.

I Met The World Tonight

I met the world tonight.
Not literally, of course.
But I did have dinner with drunk government workers
Who are far more worldly than me.

It's not my scene,
And yet it could be.
They are simply human beings
Trying to make it through this world.

They are rough, vulgar,
And one likely skipped out before paying
(Likely accidentally; she was wasted).
Not like me.
They are also guaranteed broken inside.
Like me.

The world is a strange, cold, warm place.
It just depends on where you live in it.

Too Much To Say

There is absolutely too much to say right now,
Except that Robin William's death is a tragedy.
It is upsetting, painful, and yet not totally unexpected.
It is just... sad.

You never know what is going on behind
Closed doors.

I Fell Off The Mountaintop

Words cannot explain how I am feeling right now,
I just know there's a lot of crying and pain.
I thought I was over this emotional stuff,
But last week something was awakened in me,
And this week I fell off the mountaintop.

When I am in the light,
The dark places don't seem so bad.
But when I am stuck in the dark,
Not one thing seems good.

And that is where I am right now.

I Have Known

I have known loneliness,
I have known pain.
I have also known happiness,
And I have known peace.

And today, I miss my exercise buddy.

The Days I Hate Technology

Mainly, when it doesn't work correctly.

My stupid messed up phone that doesn't show me 

When it's charging anymore,

And my stupid computer whose mouse stopped working properly.

Fortunately restarting it fixed it this time.

My camera is broken (has been for awhile now),

So I can't take good pictures (and I love taking pictures).

My ihome won't charge anything, and

My ipod touch won't charge, period.

My ipod nano (you know, the old one)

Still charges but I am locked out of my itunes account.

Oh, technology, how I want to hurtle you across the room.

Portrait of a Summer Girl

Enjoying the weather,
Spirit free as the summer rains,
If only I could be this today.

But my phone, along with everything else, is broken.

What I'm Watching

Other than catching up on TV shows,
My brother showed me this new documentary
Called Cosmos: A SpaceTime Odyssey.

It's just absolutely brilliant.

The Kids Are Not Alright

I am not a parent,
And I am not married,
So no perspectives there.
But after dealing with the kids,
I have learned that when the parents fight,
The kids are NOT alright.

Party Weekend

So the parents are out of town,
And what else is there to do but throw a party?

Except the party my brother and I like
Is not to have people invade the house (my issue)
Or be around lots of people (his issue).

Our idea is the get some yummy food,
Make our own drinks with Vodka,
And sit in the basement to watch a funny movie.

This is the life.

Happy 4th

Happy 4th of July!

A Great Question

I tend to be a skeptic,

Especially based on TV shows and movies,

But someone once asked me,

What if aliens have already visited,

And found nothing worthwhile on this planet?

There are TONS of galaxies,

And unlimited space that we don't know about.

Hollywood tends to focus on humans

Possessing love and aliens not,

But what if, in reality,

They've already visited and

Found nothing worthwhile?

There's good in humanity,

But there's also plenty of bad.

And what if we have been just too arrogant 

To see that we are not all that we think we are?

Kind of a Stranger

Today while I was working,
A mom of one of the girls
My youngest charge loves to play with
Offered to get me something from Starbucks.

I do not know her well,
Though she has always been friendly.
And out of the blue,
She does something nice.

I know she's not a true stranger,
But it warmed my heard just the same.

I am always skeptical, non-trusting,
And weary of people in general.
But this has renewed some faith
That there are good people out there,
And not just the bad.

And as I remember sipping my frappichino,
I must make sure to do the same good stuff for others.

I Will Never Forget

I will never forget the day my brother came to me,
When I was in college and back at home one weekend,
And told me, "I don't care what you do, become a teacher,
Whatever. But whatever you do, don't stop writing."

It's some of the best advice I've ever gotten,
Because I'm a writer, and writer's write.
He knew what I was before I did.

Not Very Effective

I hate it when he says nothing then all of a sudden blows up at me.

I didn't even realize there was a problem.

Not a very effective way of communicating.

My Goals This Year

For the rest of the year I have three goals:

1. Build the American Girl dollhouse for the nieces

2. Save $1000 for the trip to Disney (the rest is already covered)

3. Launch Etsy store for my afghans (which includes finishing the last one so I'll have 10 to start with)

I didn't have all these in mind at the beginning of this year, but sometime within the last six months they took place. So, my personal goals and focus are on these so they will be completed by the end of 2014 (and I actually want to do all these things).

It Was My Fault Too

I know I've posted about my sister before on this blog,
And I want to amend my previous post.

Part of the reason for our lack of closeness is me.
I have a dominant personality, and will freely defend myself.
My sister has a quiet, introverted personality,
And will clam up in contending situations.

My brother and I both demanded what we wanted.
My sister didn't give the effort.
But that didn't mean she didn't want it.

As a kid I didn't understand this,
And as a young adult I've often thought that this is her problem.

But what if the roll of dice had been reversed,
And I was the quiet introverted one,
And she was the dominant go-getter?

It is not so easy to sharply judge,
When we truly put ourselves in the other's situation.

It is true that we will never be super close,
As our personalities just do not click like that.
But I can appreciate her for who she is,
And stop laying all the blame on her shoulders.

Why I Wish This Summer Away

Normally I absolutely love summer,
And I still like the sun and warmth,
But there are reasons why this year,
I want the summer to be over and done with.

1. I have a horrible ear infection. So horrible, in fact, that one of my eardrums burst. And it will take a couple months to completely heal, getting my full hearing back.
2. I am a nanny. As such, I do not get the summers off. In fact, I have more work in the summer because the girls are home. And I lose my precious nap time.
3. Girl Meets World starts on June 27. I know this is not at the end of summer, but by the end there will have been quite a few episodes that have aired, and I will (hopefully) be in the midst of enjoying the sequel to my all-time favorite show.
4. American Girl is relaunching it's historical line, called Beforever, on August 28. Can't wait to see what they have in store.
5. I will be working all summer, without vacation, but early next year my best friend and I are planning on taking a best friends trip. So once the summer's over, it will be a succession of holidays leading up to a sweet vacation to Disney.

See, I  have my reasons. And all I needed was one.

I Like the Rain

I like the rain,
When I have nowhere to go,
When I can just read,
Or sit by the window.

When I'm the one dry,
And the rain comes down,
I like the splitter splatter
Against the windows down.

She Laughs

She laughs, because if she didn't
The pain would be too hard to bear.

She loves, because that is what she knows to do.

She protected her son as he grew up,
But he was the only one she could.

She prays, because her only hope is in
Believing that there is more to this world
Than the messed up people she lives with.

She makes jokes,
Because it gets her through the day.
She laughs,
Because it's the only way she can keep going.

Even the Best Jobs

Even some of the best jobs
Can make you exhausted by the end of the day.

How Not to Get Drenched

• Bring an umbrella
• Pay attention to weather reports of rain
• Don't stray too far from the house
• Wear a raincoat or poncho
• Walk very fast or run

Or you can not do this, and get drenched from head to toe

As you scramble back to the house when it starts pouring

And have to dry your clothes while in a skimpy bath towel

That you may or may not have borrowed from a two-year-old.

Yeah, I may have flashed any nanny cams once or twice,

And completely stood embarrassed in the stairwell

As the two-year-old took the longest time ever coming down the steps.

Girl Meets World

As Boy Meets World is my all-time favorite show,
I cannot wait to see this!!

Bring It On

Bring it on, April.

As long as it's just rain I can deal.

Here To Stay

I really hope the green is here to stay.
I don't know how much more winter I could take.