The Year Christmas Was Late

This year we didn't fully celebrate until tonight,
Because that's when my sister and brother-in-law could come.

I was less than thrilled to wait, to put it nicely,
But it was actually way better than expected.

It was all in a night, because I work all day,
But we opened stockings, at dinner, then proceeded to unwrap presents.

My favorite parts were my grandma - who,
When my dad took the first gift out from under the tree,
Yelled, "That's mine!" and proceeded to grab it from him.
And at 89 she successfully grabbed the very large gift,
Which was from my sister and brother-in-law.

Lots of laughter and lots of gifts - what more could I ask for?
Seriously, I got some awesome gifts. Some I didn't even have on my list.

And now, it makes sense to celebrate the new year, which scares me,
But that is a different story not for tonight.

Black Friday Shopping

Drama free day hitting the mall
Two of my closest friends
Laughing and joking around
While shopping for great deals.

Lots of clothes, jewelry, and accessories
With a lunch break thrown in.

Yesterday was the best Black Friday shopping I've ever had.
All it takes is the right friends at the right place at the right time.

Back on the Rocky Road

Back on the rocky road I go,
Trudging through ice, storm, and snow.
And only when the wind starts to blow,
Do I know how strong is my glow.

Keeping quiet, steady and severe,
Do I trudge through everything unclear.

Until I am healed, from broken to whole,
Through trials and hurts from which nothing can console.

Ever wondering, ever afraid,
Until my weary body is laid.

This is life, on the rocky road.
Misunderstandings, disagreements and code.
But there is hope, out there somewhere.
If only sooner it would become clear.

What I Learned Last Night

Water makes your body feel a whole lot better.
Even strangers can take care of you.
Best of friends can fight and make up within an hour or so.
I am not the only one with fear of abandonment issues.
Sometimes things are best not planned on the day after a drunken night.
But sometimes it helps to have motivation to get up and moving.

I Am Going Out Tonight

I am going out tonight,
Even though I don't feel like it.

Changing and primping,
All to look as close to a princess as I possibly can.

Even though I don't feel like it.
Even though I might rather read.

Because I am an extrovert,
And have trouble turning down social invitations,
Especially with the right friends.
Although one of them already bailed.

Maybe I can fake it.
Maybe it will be well.

I don't know,
But I sure hope so.

Because I am going out tonight,
And hopefully I will look better than I feel.

As It Is

As it is,
I wonder and fret about friends.

As it is,
Linz and I appear to be done.

As it is,
I am possibly slightly depressed.

As it is,
I kind of wanted alone time with E
But then J joined
And really it was all about E anyway, not me.
Since she's the meltdown one tonight,
And totally invited me in the first place.

As it is,
I go to my job week after week,
And some days I like it,
And some days I don't.

As it is,
Mondays are always bad with the twins.

As it is,
I still don't know what I want to do with my life.
Job wise and impact wise.

As it is,
I fail so much.
I fail at loving my friends.
I fail at loving my family.
And I don't know the correct balance for anything.

As it is,
I read a lot.
Partly to escape life.
Partly because it makes me feel accomplished
When I return the books to the library.

As it is,
I do not know where I am,
Or where I am going,
Or how to figure this thing called life out.

As it is,
I am 28 and still undecided on so many things.
I thought I would be more together at this point,
But it seems life's big secret is that adults aren't put together either.
In fact, kids seem more decisive, more secure.

As it is,
I don't know what to do about anything.
Except go to God.
And even then,
I don't know what to expect, what will change, what should happen.

As it is,
I am a scared little girl who is lost.

I Carry All the Hurts

I carry all the hurts in my heart,
Hoping it will help me not get hurt again.

I anticipate new ones using the old ones.
Hoping that if I do something different, it will end differently.

Sometimes it does.
But most of the time it just bogs me down.

This is not a healthy place to live.
Last time it turned me into a bitter person.

I don't know what it would do to me this time.
But I know that I need to learn to let go.

And let Him handle all the pieces.
If only I could learn to give them up.

Life with Anxiety

Right now this is all I can do.

The Best of Friends

Animals can make the best of friends.
They don't cancel on your plans,
Hurt you emotionally,
Scare you unnecessarily.

They are always there for you,
Cuddling without words,
Tending to the hearts of their owners
Without even realizing it.

That's why some of my favorite moments
Are cuddling with my sweet kitty cat.

The Truth As I Know It

I don't know everything,
But I do know that lies hurt people.

And in the midst of planning for my birthday,
I still don't know all the truths going around.

I have suspicions,
But what are they without evidence.

I have opinions,
But that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

There's deception in my voice -
An experienced expert can tell.

So it is in my friends' voices,
And with most people I know.

But we should all try to be more honest with each other,
Because though lies can make the world go round,
Truth can stop it and start it anew.

Of Buying and Selling

It seems as if everything in this life has to be bought,
Even job interviews and dates seem like you have to sell yourself.

Recently a really nice lady who sells something,
Has been trying to get me into the pyramid.

I had to "sell" myself to get the jobs so I can earn money and pay my bills.

I have to "sell" myself on dates.

It just gets so tiring.

Sometimes I Wonder

The two friends who fight should not be together,
As much as I hate to admit it,
And as much as I enjoyed our time as a threesome,
They are toxic to each other.

But sometimes now I feel caught in the middle,
Like the child of divorced parents,
And I wonder if they want to spend time with me for me,
Or if they are just trying to spite the other.

They are not my moms,
And I am an adult.
And I recognize that it is more complicated than that,
But sometimes I really hate their competition.

Because their relationship is not over,
Even though they are not "friends".
And I would warn them both to be careful,
No matter if they think I am taking sides with them or not.

I am not trying to take sides.
I try to be careful about expressing frustration with one to the other,
And I know they both like me separate from spiting the other.
But sometimes it still feels like they are just using me.

The Last 10 Years

This June marks my 10 year high school reunion.
Time went so slow the first 18 years of my life,
But the last 10 have gone so fast.
It has taught me that life does indeed go fast.
And that, like the cliche, I need to live, laugh, and love.

I Think I Blew It

I need to remember to be outgoing

To show the world my fun self

Even when I am sober

Instead of reverting to my shy, quiet self

It is a part of me,

And no matter how much it could be a show,

I am just trying to share my good side,

That I want everyone to see.

I Don't Know How To Feel

I don't know how to feel,

About anyone or anything.

I thought this was a teenage thing,

But no, it never really went away.

I mean, parts got better.

At least there's that.

But things happen, 

And I can't control it,

And I don't know what to do,

Or how to feel.

To March

Welcome March,
It pains me that you snowed,
But please bring the green,
On this very painful road.

To My Friends

To my friends,
You are more valuable than you know.

Not just because you are my friend,
But entirely independent of that,
Before I met you and even if we drift away.

I do not want to drift away,
And to my core friends,
I will work hard to make sure
That you stay in my life.

To my girl friends,
I see you primp and get ready for dates,
I've seen you in sweats and all dressed up,
And I enjoy you the most
When it's just the two of us and
There's no one to impress.

But even when the guys come,
For me and for you,
May you know your worth
And not settle for less than you should.

If we seem critical,
That is because we care.
But I will support you
As long as it's not abusive.

To my guy friends,
I hope you experience friendship like girls have,
In that you have the support from your fellow men.
I hope to remain friends appropriately,
No matter who comes into my life.

And, my dear friends,
As this horrible month of love ends,
Never forget who loved you first.
And who you can be in that One.

Maybe It Wasn't Meant to be Beautiful

Last night I went out with a group of 11 women
Had dinner, then saw the movie 50 Shades of Grey.
I would not mention it on facebook, and
Didn't even tell my family until afterwards (when they asked),
Because of all the criticism and outward bashing
Of everyone who goes to see the movie.

I was far too sober for the movie.
The acting and writing was painful to watch,
And I only followed the story because I had
Already read a detailed synopsis online.
(I got the book to read but didn't have time to read it.)

I only knew 4 out of the 10 others there,
And I was really far too sober for the night.
I was not happy most of the time. So many reasons.
I had a nice time at the end, after the movie, but was it worth it?

Well, I don't know, but I would've gone anyways because
It is better to know than to sit and wonder.
And throughout the whole night, I kept thinking,
This stuff? Maybe it wasn't meant to be beautiful.

My Least Favorite Month

The thing is, February has always been my least favorite month.

It won again. It still is.

There Are Fun Nights

Last night was a night out that started as a group of 4
Then eventually became a group of 8
With two people I hadn't even met before
Even though I was the one who set it up.

I was a bit nervous at first,
Because I didn't really know what I was getting myself into.
But it turned out very well,
And was a very fun night out.

I had an amaretto sour and two long islands,
And I was very much fine, having them early on.
The dinner was long but I didn't get bored too much.
The games were when things really took off.

The early group  left and there were four of us remaining,
Two guys and two girls.
I found my game - a version of ski ball called Ring of Fire.
And I got most of my tickets by the coin game.

My girl friend and I both cashed in some tickets for a teddy bear.
And I played group air hockey twice.
Before we left we went to the photo booth
And the four of us left did two rounds of silly faces.

Why can't more nights be like this?
Cheers to new friends, old friends, nights out, and fun times.

Nobody

Sometimes I realize I have nobody to hold me when I feel down.

The Month of Love

With all the boys I text,
With all the friends I have,
With all my family who is in town,
I am not feeling the love.

Relationships are complicated.
Love is more than emotion.

I am talking to a lot of guys.
But that is it so far.
I have a lot of friends and "friends",
But I am still searching for that close knit confidante.
I live with my immediate family,
And I really think our relationship would be better
If I was not dependent on them for survival.

While I am not convinced that true love exists,
I am also not convinced that it doesn't.
And there is the core of it -
I have hope that it does.
It has not been completely squashed yet.

Sometimes

Sometimes things are better with my parents,
Than the times I mention to my friends.

Right now is not one of those times.

At least my dad was back to being friendly tonight,
But I hear from my brother that my mom is indeed mad
(I knew this but it's still upsetting hearing it from him)
And will have to get some things off her chest.
My comment to him was, "Not tonight."
So I have that lovely lecture to look forward to.

This is the price I pay to live here.
Why can I not have parents who are different?
Who are more like one of my friends' parents,
Less judgmental and more accepting.

The truth is, I have felt loved by my friends
In ways I never have by my family.
And I know they think they are loving me,
But that is not what comes through most of the time.

I know it is my fault for staying here so long.
But I honestly thought it had gotten better,
After Thanksgiving two years ago (2012).
But now I see it only works,
When I am doing exactly as they want.
Being the good girl they want me to be.
Not doing certain things.

The fact is, though, it doesn't matter why I stayed,
The fact is that I stayed, and that is my fault.
And I have to fully own that.

And I now have to take steps to move out,
This time unwavering, this time slowly.

And I don't know who I can tell about these problems,
Which of my friends would be good to confide in about this.

The Bad Child

I was that bad child.
The one who pushed the boundaries,
The one who did not comply,
And the one who never fit into what my parents expected of me.

I am now an adult,
So they cannot rule over me.
But I do live with them,
So they can see too much of my comings and goings,
Judging and exercising their opinions as they see fit.

Besides the fact that I need to move out (badly, again),
And that I cannot afford to until I find another, full time job
I am stuck in this hard place where I am "free" to live my life,
But not really.

I am free to do as a please,
But I am not free enough for them to respect me,
To trust me (and quite frankly, their parenting, though
The fact that I never fit into their mold probably has something to do with it),
Or to give me the complete space that I fully believe an adult should have.
I had to fight, several years ago, for what space I do have.
(And that is another story altogether.)

That is one reason I love my friends so much.
They will tell me when they think I am being stupid,
But do not judge me and give me freedom to be myself.
Oh, they will not let me drunk drive, as seen multiple times,
But they respect my choices and let me be who I want.
And that counts for so much.

I have never felt that from my parents.
My brother claims they do,
But he is not me, and was never the "bad child".
And as much as he understands things,
Sometimes he just misses the mark in what he tells me,
Even if he truly sees more sides than he conveys to me.

And my brother, who has been the closet person to me for years,
Has a hard time because he doesn't get this side of me,
Not in the way of wanting it,or accepting it as a part of my life.
He seems to wish I wouldn't do certain things, because he sees the danger.
But it is possible to have fun and not get hurt,
And I wish he would accept and trust that.
As it is he has backed away from me so much.
And I get that it's to protect himself, but it's still hard on me.

So I guess this is just a post to vent my frustrations,
When I get home after spending the night (and most of the day) at a friend's
And they act all weird and non-talkative and silently judging,

I am not making the initiative to talk.
I do not care to hear their opinions.
They assume things, and I am tired of always having to explain myself,
And next time I am not giving them any details
When I don't come home but stay over at a friend's.

After all, I am an adult, and this is my life.
I just live in this house (which admittedly needs to change),
And until I can move out I will be distant in certain things
And mind my own details about stuff like this.

I Went Myself

Not to church this morning -
I dragged my mother with me to that -
But to the group tonight,
I went all by myself.

Usually I do not like to,
And I was very nervous,
But I can be outgoing and was,
And for that I am proud.

Next week I will go to church alone,
And check out other groups, also by myself.
My one friend went to a Bible study herself too tonight,
To which she did not invite any of us (her friends) to.

I do wish I could have been with my friend too,
Who invited me to watch the Golden Globes.
But I knew I would regret missing this opportunity,
Even though I wish I could have been there too.

I am excited about the opportunities I am creating,
Meeting new people and developing relationships on my own,
Especially in light of the fact that I tend to like to meet others
When I am already with friends I know
And this, meeting others alone, will help me grow.

It Went Well

Tonight the three of us got together for the first time
After the big fight in mid November.

(I am not counting the ball because there were five of us
plus our dates, and we didn't even all sit at the same table.)

I was nervous, but it actually went very well.

Everything was calm, and we were able to catch up.
I had grieved the loss of the threesome
And then come to accept that it was over,
Then when it wasn't, I was cautious and not sure
I wanted it back. Because it led to the fight.

I still will remember those earlier months pleasantly,
Even though I felt left out at times and
It wasn't as rosy as I like to recall.

I do still miss seeing them both two to three times a week,
Though I still often see the first one I met that much.

We have all changed; we are not the same people we were when we met
And the test is to each stay friends as we each grow and change.

When we were all spending so much time together
None of us were doing devotions regularly like we should have,
And since the change we have all gotten back into that.

It was both sad and good to hear and verbalize these and more changes;
But overall, it definitely went well, and for that I am thankful.

I Hurt My Back

I'm not sure why, but on Sunday my lower back started hurting.
It hasn't gotten significantly better, and at times it has gotten worse.
It has all the symptoms of a pinched nerve,
And I've started trying the home remedies to relieve it.

But today it got the best of me,
And I laid in bed with the heating pad
For most of the day.
Then it felt better until I coughed.

I really don't know what I am going to do.
I have to work tomorrow
And I really don't have insurance or the money
To go see my doctor.

It seriously hurt to walk at times today,
And I am not sure how long it will last.
This kind of rules out my plans tomorrow
Of going salsa dancing with a friend.

At least it gives me perspective
On those who live with chronic pain.
And makes me feel like I have been blessed,
Even with all the emotional crap I've had.

An Impossible Wish

Recently I read a quote that said loving without getting hurt is an impossible wish.
I really wish it weren't so, but that quote seems to be true.
And no one is exempt. Even two, six, eleven, and fifteen year old girls.
Who have to watch things they should never have to see.
Is there such thing as pure love in this world?
The closest I have seen is a mother's love, but even that creates pain.

Sleep, dear girls, and learn from your elder's mistakes.
You are loved, even if all earthly love fails.
You will always be loved by the one who created you.
Maybe that is the only true love out there.
But it's enough to remind you to love again,
And gives you the strength to carry on.

It's the only way I've been able to love again.
I hope to pass this hope on to you, dear sweet girls.

I Miss Our Nights

After my brother came home from college the last time,
We used to watch TV together every night.
For a long time it was How I Met Your Mother,
Over and over again, then mixed with other shows.

Then it turned into movie nights when I was teaching,
And in the past couple years it became a mixture
Of new shows that we kept up with,
And some movies and reruns.

We would drink and get food,
Talk and watch on the TV in the basement.

But now his work schedule is crazy,
And for over a year it has not been the same.
Every night turned into most nights,
Then slowly most nights turned into a few,
Until it became where it is now: hardly ever.

I know we are both busy,
And I always knew it would pass.
That's why I just enjoyed every minute of it
And made the most of it while I could.

I do not regret our many nights,
And since then I have spent more nights out with friends.
But sometimes I really miss our nights,
When we would just get together and hang out.

It's Always Something

Last year, I started out the new year sick.
This year, I was fine until today,
When I realized I can't find my wallet.
Something always happens to start the new year off rocky.

Last I saw it was yesterday when I bought
Popcorn at the movie theater.
It is very possible it dropped there,
But will they find it?

If not, I'll never know where it ended up.
I have a bad feeling about it.
I am too calm.
Usually when I get upset everything turns out okay.

I cannot find it anywhere in the house,
Or my dad's car, or my nanny bag.
It's not in the purse where it belongs.
There has been no unusual activity on my card.

This has never happened to me before.
I am actually surprised I didn't lose it at the bar
Where I left my purse with my drunk friends.
No, I lose it stark sober, sometime after I go see a movie.

Update 1/3: The theater found it after being called,
So I picked it up this morning. Yay! :)

Happy New Year

Apparently, out of all my friends there last night, I am the only one who remembers everything. :)