I'm Uncomfortable With My Selfishness

I'm uncomfortable with my selfishness - 
Which has been present all my life.

In a way it's not bad; it helps people to survive.

But it doesn't help people become who they are meant to be.

Who God made us to be.

I hate trivia games, and honestly do not enjoy them with anyone -

Because I am not good at them and so I don't like them.

My mom is not good either, but she values family

So she plays them without complaining.

Even when Andrew makes fun of her.

I don't mind it with friends,

Like my mom doesn't with family.

Since I didn't have friends for so long,

I crave them so much - that I do unhealthy things.

That is selfishness on my end.

I am trying to love my family,

But I don't know what's healthy as a whole

And what I need to do to maintain healthy boundaries.

And now my family scheduled an escape room game

At the same time as my therapy this week.

I only have it, at best, every other week now.

I pay out of my pocket, since they dropped my insurance.

I will call and see if I can reschedule - but should I?

I mean I will, Lord Jesus You can heal me like no other.

Please heal me.

A Christmas Day

It snuck up so fast - this season of busyness.
I'm pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to be.

Part of it is because of work - I needed to get my numbers in 

Before the holiday, as many people take off before and after.

We had 7 this year, including my sister and brother-in-law,

And our house guest for the past year and a half , in one last hurrah.

She left later this evening, going home, not necessarily coming back.

I will miss her; I already feel the hole that she left.

We did the big breakfast yesterday instead of today,

So we gathered for stockings,

Took a shortish break,

And then did big gifts.

It took about three hours, which worked out

Since the big dinner was at 4 and guests came this year.

But the details don't matter as much as who is there,

And ultimately the Reason behind it all.

The Strangest Day

I don't even know how to describe today;
It was both good and bad.

May You always be at the core,

No matter the outcome.

I have terrifying thoughts from that,

Which You know.

Thank You for knowing;

Please tell me who I am.

I often forget that You are not earthly.

We get surrounded in what we see.

But You are eternal.

And no matter what, Your Good Will be done!

At the core, we all want to be loved.

Some of us know it, and some of us don't. 

May Your love permeate everyone in this dark night.

You have always met me in my hurt.

I pray You meet everyone in their hurt.

Today was very unfocused,

And has been the strangest day.

I only pray it brings glory to You.

The Only Thing

The only thing that keeps me from driving this car
Half-light, jack knife into the canyon at night
Signs and wonders, Perseus aligned with the skull
Slain Medusa, Pegasus alight from us all

Do I care if I survive this, bury the dead where they're found
In a veil of great surprises I wonder did you love me at all?

The only thing that keeps me from cutting my arm
Cross hatch, warm bath, Holiday Inn after dark
Signs and wonders, water stain writing the wall
Daniel's message, blood of the moon on us all

Do I care if I despise this, nothing else matters, I know
In a veil of great disguises, how do I live with your ghost?

Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow
Should I tear my heart out now?
Everything I feel returns to you somehow
I want to save you from your sorrow

The only reason why I continue at all
Faith in reason, I wasted my life playing dumb
Signs and wonders, sea lion caves in the dark
Blind faith, God's grace, nothing else left to impart

Do I care if I survive this, bury the dead where they're found
In a veil of great surprises, hold to my head till I drown
Should I tear my eyes out now, before I see too much?
Should I tear my arms out now, I wanna feel your touch

Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow
Should I tear my heart out now?
Everything I feel returns to you somehow

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Sufjan Stevens

The Only Thing lyrics © BMG Rights Management

My Help Comes From The Lord

When sorrows come and hope seems gone
You're the Rock I rest upon
When waters rise and I can't breathe
You're the love that rescues me

Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise

Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength, my song in the night
My refuge, my shelter
Now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord

When I'm broken, scarred by sin
Death gives way to life again
When I suffer, when I'm bound
In You I'm free, in You I'm found

Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise

Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength
You're my refuge
Now and forevermore

Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength, my song in the night
My refuge, my shelter
Now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord

My help comes from the Lord
My help comes from the Lord

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Barry Lewis Weeks / Bryan Higgins Brown / Jon Abel / Tony W. Wood

My Help Comes from the Lord lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group, Capitol CMG Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group

Some Truths I've Learned This Season

I'm uncomfortable with people caring about me.
I'd rather people care about the people I care about instead.

And I care about everyone, at least from a distance.

It's easier than facing myself.

I deflect away from me, even in therapy;

People like it when you talk about then.

It got me in trouble with my friendship with E.

People get used to who you present yourself to be.

Isn't focusing on yourself wrong?

I remember my therapist saying I have religious trauma.

I want nothing to do with religion,

But Jesus, I want You.

But I talk too much,

And sometimes You are hard to find.

Not that it is not my fault.

I struggle with that.

And yet I made that about me.

I am selfish like that.

I don't want to be, 

But I am.

Where do You want me?

Who did You make me to be?

I still want my identity.

Please help me to find it in You.

I still struggle with control,

Though not over any person.

I don't think I can find myself in another than You.

But isn't it bad that I question that?

The Friend I've Always Wanted

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He'll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

Gospel song by Charles Crozat Converse

Untitled

John My Beloved

Are we to speak, first day of the week
Stumbling words at the bar
Beauty blue eyes, my order of fries
Long Island kindness and wine
Beloved of John, I get it all wrong
I read you for some kind of poem
Covered in lines, the fossils I find
Have they no life of their own?

So can we pretend sweetly
Before the mystery ends?
I am a man with a heart that offends
With its lonely and greedy demands
There's only a shadow of me in a matter of speaking I'm dead

Such a waste, your beautiful face
Stumbling carpet arise
Go follow your gem, your white feathered friend
Icarus, point to the sun
If history speaks of two baby teeth
I'm painting the hills blue and red
They said beware, Lord hear my prayer
I've wasted my throes on your head

So can we be friends, sweetly
Before the mystery ends?
I love you more than the world can contain
In its lonely and ramshackle head
There's only a shadow of me in a matter of speaking I'm dead

I'm holding my breath
My tongue on your chest
What can be said of my heart?
If history speaks, the kiss on my cheek
Where there remains but a mark
Beloved my John, so I'll carry on
Counting my cards down to one
And when I am dead, come visit my bed
My fossil is bright in the sun

So can we contend, peacefully
Before my history ends?
Jesus I need you, be near me, come shield me
From fossils that fall on my head
There's only a shadow of me in a matter of speaking I'm dead

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Sufjan Stevens

John My Beloved lyrics © BMG Rights Management

God Is In This Story

There's torn up pages in this book

Words that tell me I'm no good

Chapters that defined me for so long

But the hands of grace and endless love

Dusted off and picked me up

Told my heart that hope is never gone

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story

So if the storm you're walking through
Feels like it's too much and you
Wonder if He even cares at all
Well, hold on tight to what you know
He promised He won't let you go
Your song of healing's written in His scars

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story

If it reads like addiction
If it reads like disease
He's the One who frees the prisoner
He's the healer of all things
If it reads like depression
If it reads broken home
He's the One who holds your sorrow
He won't leave you here alone

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me

Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story (you're in this story)
God is in my story (right here in my story)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jeff Pardo / Ethan Hulse / Katy Nichole

God Is in This Story lyrics © Universal Music - Brentwood Benson Songs, Meaux Mercy Publishing, Be Essential Songs

We Were Once All Friends

We were once all friends, the four of us.

I have a photo frame of us on my tall dresser,

But like everything else not built on the Substantial,

It will not last and it will be just a memory.

A memory I have looked to a lot.

First, My Smartest Friend and The One Who Should Know Me Better

Had a falling out, after My Smartest Friend and her then fiancé broke up.

The One Who Should Know Me Better tried, she really did, in her own way.

She initiated in reaching out, sending her memes, thinking she was helping.

In her mind she was, and My Smartest Friend only said the truth in drunken madness.

Then, My Smartest Friend moved away, fully in escapism.

Our friendship was not the same, and I thought she was not talking to me.

Eventually she reached out to me, and she said she cut everyone out.

I needed time away from her, it was good for my soul. 

But she came back, and is in my life today.

Meanwhile, The One Who Should Know Me Better and The One Who Knows Me Better

Were having their own thing, of which I did not then know.

The One Who Knows Me Better left her husband, and stayed off and on with

The One Who Should Know Me Better and the One Who I Don't Know Well Enough.

The four of us spent quite a bit of time together the last couple months of last year.

The One Who Should Know Me Better was broken up with by her boyfriend,

The One Who I Don't Know Well Enough, at he beginning of this year,

Causing a spiral in her, a brokenness that no person knew how would play out.

All the meanwhile, The One Who Knows Me Better was still hurting,

And The One Who Should Know Me Better was unknowingly insensitive to her.

The One Know Who Knows Me Better and Less started seeing

The One Who I Don't Know Well Enough,

And he has made her feel loved like never before.

She deserves to feel loved, and I hope she gets more than she's been given before. 

When The One Who Should Know Me Better found out, she was unspeakably livid.

Their friendship had a fall out, a very long time coming.

I am/ was individually friends with all three.

Now The One Who Should Know Me Better wants me to choose.

I won't. I choose them all. I am not defriending any of them.

But I will also not let her control me.

We were once all friends, the four of us.

I have a photo frame of us on my tall dresser,

And I will cherish parts of the last eight years.

But like everything else not built on the Substantial,

This too will fade, and the last eight years will be just a memory.