I Don't Do Resolutions

But I do have goals.

First, for New Year's Eve I want to take a more proactive approach.
There were two parties I was invited to and I am still figuring out the details.
All I know is I have a lot of people to text tomorrow.
I think I've already convinced a friend to join me after the movie though. :)

I will seek to find a church that I can become a part of.
My one friend stopped inviting me to hers
So I haven't been going and I really miss the fellowship.
I know which church I will start with as one of my sister's friends attends.

I need to write more. This encounters many things,
Including realizing my dreams and actually doing something about it.
Too much of my life I've lived to let things happen to me,
And it's time for me to take a proactive approach in shaping my future.

Make new friends.
My brother is right that the ones I've made this year
Have been out of convenience.
It's time for me to seek opportunities to make new friends.

Write more letters to my Grandma.
I started out last year doing well,
But I've let it slide.
And I don't know how much longer she'll be on this earth.

Here's for new hopes, happy dreams, and fun times!

I Don't Know How I Feel

A night out with friends,

A Mayflower, Fireball, and 1 and 1/2 Long Islands,

A restaurant and bar,

Some drunken texts,

Night spent at a friend's.

Not how I pictured last night going,

With fun followed by sleepiness,

A restless night with the cat,

An upset stomach because of the damn fireball (which I am not having again!),

And memories coming back to me.

I am not sure how I feel about all this,

About how drunk I was and what all I said,

About my hangover and the fact that I was close to being blackout drunk.

But it happened and I lived.

We are all still friends (as far as I know),

And it was a blowout way to end my after-Christmas Fun

Before I go back to work tomorrow.

This Christmas Day

My dad decided to vary the routine this year,
So gift opening has been scattered throughout the day.
Two stocking presents, breakfast, rest of the stockings,
Some big gifts, a family meal with two guests.

They also want to go see a movie today.
I don't, because I was invited to go to a movie with my friends.
But I cannot say no to my family without being a jerk.
So I will end up having to cancel with my friends.

I know Christmas is supposed to be a family day,
And every other year it has been.
But now I am finished with my friends' gifts,
And I really want to go do something,
And see people I love outside the family too.

I like all my presents so far.
We will open the rest after the movie.
I will do the scattered present opening
Only because my dad requested it.

All in all, it's a weird and restless Christmas,
With obligation to stay with my immediate family,
Except my sister and brother-in-law who live out of state.
With how I really feel being a not-so-secret secret.

Update: It ended up that my brother could not go,
So we did not do a family movie.
I went out with my friends :)
And we opened the last big presents when I got back.

On Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve this year,
I slept in until past noon,
And only then to get up to go to
A Christmas Eve service! Ha!

All my presents are wrapped,
And I finally got into some sort of Christmas mood.
It's different than in any year past,
But it's something calm and I'll enjoy it.

Had a blast at a party last night,
Though it was very different than the other party I attended.
I have two very different groups of friends,
Both of which I like and it's fun to experience both.

I am ready for tomorrow finally.
We celebrate my mom's birthday tonight.
I was invited to a movie tomorrow night with friends,
But I might be too busy with family.

All in all, it's a weird Christmas,
But it's finally Christmas Eve,
And I've watched all my favorite holiday movies,
Wrapped all the (family) presents,
And am chilling while finishing my friends' gifts,
Which I had already decided were going to be given late!

Party Like the Holidays

When all else fails, 

Hanging with long time friends 

Is a recipe for cheer.

On Saturday night two of my best friends,

One being my best best friend and the other a newer one,

Went to a party at another one of my old time friends' home.

We ate, we played, we danced.

We had our annual white elephant gift exchange.

The bird my friend named showed its presence again, 

And the shorts I received are making a comeback next year.

It was super fun,

And I showed the one that I can have a good time at a party

That does not include alcohol in any form

(Because she seriously didn't believe me when I told her I could have fun without alcohol)

My grieving friend had fun relief for a night,

And the other was introduced to a whole new world of friends.

Which I am honestly conflicted of,

But she has shared her friends, and it's not like I own mine.

Finally in the festive mood,

Though different than in years past.

With my schedule so busy 

I am glad for time off work coming up!

When Grief Hits the Holidays

On Friday night my best friend's mom died.
I know we're supposed to say "passed away",
But I've always stayed away from that
Because death does leave a sting.

Last night was the calling hours.
I stayed for the full two hours,
As a best friend should.
I was glad my friend could still laugh with me.

This morning was the funeral.
I did not wake up to my alarm.
I went late but did not get to see her.
I don't know how I'm going to forgive myself.

Now come the holidays,
And I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to comfort her,
When to give her space and when to pry.

Hard days are ahead for all in the family,
The husband who has taken care of her for years,
Her oldest who is the strongest right now,
The youngest who was closer to her,
The sister who was like her best friend and
All the others who loved her dearly.

I texted my friend, that's all I can do.
I have to wait and see what happens.
Will she be mad she didn't see me?
I am mad I didn't see her.

This is new territory for me.
I've never had a close friend lose their parent before.
It was inevitable, but unexpected.
She was doing better, the doctors said.
She was supposed to go home Monday.
She just went in thinking she had the flu.

Life will never be the same,
But it can still be good again.
Sometimes that is hard to see,
But in the  midst of my own storm,
I have to look around and see others in theirs.
And help them in any way I can.

My Favorite Blog

My favorite blog is the Storyline Blog,
With posts from various authors,
And this post explains where I am right now
When I can't explain it myself.

The Inner Grinch

I am going to work on the tips to deal with it.

This is the First Year

This is the first Christmas ever that I have not gotten into the holiday spirit.
I am not saying it will never come, but between the emotional roller coaster
Of friends fighting, working 47 hours a week, and general busyness
I am just worn out and not feeling the season of cheer.

Meanwhile, I still made a Christmas list, both of what my parents could get me
And what I am going to give to others.
And little by little, store by store or craft by craft,
I am checking off the items on my list.

Sometime soon I will have a Christmas party for myself
And wrap all the presents, send all the cards, and
Watch my two favorite holiday movies:
Home Alone and Home Alone 2.

Maybe then I will be in the Christmas mood.

Hello December

I am not ready for you yet.