Death Never Takes a Holiday

My grandma died this morning -
The one who wasn't allowed to die.
The one who has defended me and stood up for me
My whole entire life.

I am rotating between shock and sadness,
Crying and numbness.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I miss her so much already.

I hate death.
It never takes a holiday,
And comes completely unexpected,
Leaving destruction in its path.

It's not supposed to be this way.

Somehow We're All Friends

As my brother put it tonight,
My friends and I all speak in hyperbole's,
Including my smartest friend,
Including The One Who Knows Me Less,
And definitely including The One Who Should Know Me Better.

Something happened between Wednesday night and yesterday,
With the One Who Should Know Me Better.
At least she's reaching out,
Even though she no longer wants something from me.

I saw my smartest friend tonight,
Who invited me last minute,
And I wasn't sure if she meant it,
But when she repeated it I came.
She spent time with me and another girlfriend,
Before heading to her boyfriends for the night.

He wants to see my sweetest friend,
The One Who Knows Me Less
(Can I even say that anymore?)
Even though she's been through the most shit,
She's the sweetest one among us,
And deserves so much more than she's been given.

My friend who wants me to move closer,
I wish it were that easy.
I miss her so much,
And her husband and girls too.

I miss my sweet former coworker friend,
Who is the most sensitive soul,
Who has two kids and struggles with so much,
But yet carries on with the strength of a saint.

I miss my first BFF,
Who I hardly see.
We text, that's how we talk,
And we do keep up with each others lives.

I love them all, my six friends.
I want to make more - am in the process of doing so.
But at the same time I need to let them all go,
Into the Father's hands they go.
I cannot save a single one.
No matter how much I would like to.

But somehow, we are all here now,
On this earth, which belongs to the Lord.
I love them all, I think they love me.
Somehow we are all friends.

Me in the Middle

You're three best girlfriends, having a great time,
The personal shopper said to us tonight,
As the three of us were there, looking for an outfit
For the one celebrating an anniversary with her boyfriend.

In the best of times, I could fake it well,
But tonight I am just so damn tired,
And at the end I hope I blocked all feelings,
So that the One That Knows Me Less could not pick up on anything.

We are three friends, that's for sure -
And I love them both to death despite any emotions.
But I wish I had not gone tonight,
Wish I had worked overtime instead.

It's a weird thing to say for sure,
And if I died tomorrow I would not have regretted it,
And would only wish I had been more generous.
But it was a long day, and there are so many complications.

The one celebrating the anniversary is best friends with the other -
And she is best friends with her.
Though I wish we were all best friends like the lady said,
They have the history, and I do not.

It's not like I don't have other friends,
And I had a wonderful happy hour last night too
With potential new friends on top of my other dear ones -
But I wish I could be close with those I apparently can't have.

The One Who Should Know Me Better has only been paying attention to me,
When she wants something from me, which she does right now.
The One Who Knows Me Less said it was good to see me again,
Even though I saw them both (separately) this past weekend.

I wish I was a better faker, and yet also a better friend.
I wish I was better at controlling my emotions,
Even when I'm so damn tired.
But tonight, my heart was not in it,

Tonight, I was too much in the middle of myself.
And no matter how it appeared,
That is not a good place to be,
No matter what it looks like.