As It Is

As it is,
I wonder and fret about friends.

As it is,
Linz and I appear to be done.

As it is,
I am possibly slightly depressed.

As it is,
I kind of wanted alone time with E
But then J joined
And really it was all about E anyway, not me.
Since she's the meltdown one tonight,
And totally invited me in the first place.

As it is,
I go to my job week after week,
And some days I like it,
And some days I don't.

As it is,
Mondays are always bad with the twins.

As it is,
I still don't know what I want to do with my life.
Job wise and impact wise.

As it is,
I fail so much.
I fail at loving my friends.
I fail at loving my family.
And I don't know the correct balance for anything.

As it is,
I read a lot.
Partly to escape life.
Partly because it makes me feel accomplished
When I return the books to the library.

As it is,
I do not know where I am,
Or where I am going,
Or how to figure this thing called life out.

As it is,
I am 28 and still undecided on so many things.
I thought I would be more together at this point,
But it seems life's big secret is that adults aren't put together either.
In fact, kids seem more decisive, more secure.

As it is,
I don't know what to do about anything.
Except go to God.
And even then,
I don't know what to expect, what will change, what should happen.

As it is,
I am a scared little girl who is lost.