The Bad Child

I was that bad child.
The one who pushed the boundaries,
The one who did not comply,
And the one who never fit into what my parents expected of me.

I am now an adult,
So they cannot rule over me.
But I do live with them,
So they can see too much of my comings and goings,
Judging and exercising their opinions as they see fit.

Besides the fact that I need to move out (badly, again),
And that I cannot afford to until I find another, full time job
I am stuck in this hard place where I am "free" to live my life,
But not really.

I am free to do as a please,
But I am not free enough for them to respect me,
To trust me (and quite frankly, their parenting, though
The fact that I never fit into their mold probably has something to do with it),
Or to give me the complete space that I fully believe an adult should have.
I had to fight, several years ago, for what space I do have.
(And that is another story altogether.)

That is one reason I love my friends so much.
They will tell me when they think I am being stupid,
But do not judge me and give me freedom to be myself.
Oh, they will not let me drunk drive, as seen multiple times,
But they respect my choices and let me be who I want.
And that counts for so much.

I have never felt that from my parents.
My brother claims they do,
But he is not me, and was never the "bad child".
And as much as he understands things,
Sometimes he just misses the mark in what he tells me,
Even if he truly sees more sides than he conveys to me.

And my brother, who has been the closet person to me for years,
Has a hard time because he doesn't get this side of me,
Not in the way of wanting it,or accepting it as a part of my life.
He seems to wish I wouldn't do certain things, because he sees the danger.
But it is possible to have fun and not get hurt,
And I wish he would accept and trust that.
As it is he has backed away from me so much.
And I get that it's to protect himself, but it's still hard on me.

So I guess this is just a post to vent my frustrations,
When I get home after spending the night (and most of the day) at a friend's
And they act all weird and non-talkative and silently judging,

I am not making the initiative to talk.
I do not care to hear their opinions.
They assume things, and I am tired of always having to explain myself,
And next time I am not giving them any details
When I don't come home but stay over at a friend's.

After all, I am an adult, and this is my life.
I just live in this house (which admittedly needs to change),
And until I can move out I will be distant in certain things
And mind my own details about stuff like this.