I'm Uncomfortable With My Selfishness

I'm uncomfortable with my selfishness - 
Which has been present all my life.

In a way it's not bad; it helps people to survive.

But it doesn't help people become who they are meant to be.

Who God made us to be.

I hate trivia games, and honestly do not enjoy them with anyone -

Because I am not good at them and so I don't like them.

My mom is not good either, but she values family

So she plays them without complaining.

Even when Andrew makes fun of her.

I don't mind it with friends,

Like my mom doesn't with family.

Since I didn't have friends for so long,

I crave them so much - that I do unhealthy things.

That is selfishness on my end.

I am trying to love my family,

But I don't know what's healthy as a whole

And what I need to do to maintain healthy boundaries.

And now my family scheduled an escape room game

At the same time as my therapy this week.

I only have it, at best, every other week now.

I pay out of my pocket, since they dropped my insurance.

I will call and see if I can reschedule - but should I?

I mean I will, Lord Jesus You can heal me like no other.

Please heal me.

A Christmas Day

It snuck up so fast - this season of busyness.
I'm pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to be.

Part of it is because of work - I needed to get my numbers in 

Before the holiday, as many people take off before and after.

We had 7 this year, including my sister and brother-in-law,

And our house guest for the past year and a half , in one last hurrah.

She left later this evening, going home, not necessarily coming back.

I will miss her; I already feel the hole that she left.

We did the big breakfast yesterday instead of today,

So we gathered for stockings,

Took a shortish break,

And then did big gifts.

It took about three hours, which worked out

Since the big dinner was at 4 and guests came this year.

But the details don't matter as much as who is there,

And ultimately the Reason behind it all.

The Strangest Day

I don't even know how to describe today;
It was both good and bad.

May You always be at the core,

No matter the outcome.

I have terrifying thoughts from that,

Which You know.

Thank You for knowing;

Please tell me who I am.

I often forget that You are not earthly.

We get surrounded in what we see.

But You are eternal.

And no matter what, Your Good Will be done!

At the core, we all want to be loved.

Some of us know it, and some of us don't. 

May Your love permeate everyone in this dark night.

You have always met me in my hurt.

I pray You meet everyone in their hurt.

Today was very unfocused,

And has been the strangest day.

I only pray it brings glory to You.

The Only Thing

The only thing that keeps me from driving this car
Half-light, jack knife into the canyon at night
Signs and wonders, Perseus aligned with the skull
Slain Medusa, Pegasus alight from us all

Do I care if I survive this, bury the dead where they're found
In a veil of great surprises I wonder did you love me at all?

The only thing that keeps me from cutting my arm
Cross hatch, warm bath, Holiday Inn after dark
Signs and wonders, water stain writing the wall
Daniel's message, blood of the moon on us all

Do I care if I despise this, nothing else matters, I know
In a veil of great disguises, how do I live with your ghost?

Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow
Should I tear my heart out now?
Everything I feel returns to you somehow
I want to save you from your sorrow

The only reason why I continue at all
Faith in reason, I wasted my life playing dumb
Signs and wonders, sea lion caves in the dark
Blind faith, God's grace, nothing else left to impart

Do I care if I survive this, bury the dead where they're found
In a veil of great surprises, hold to my head till I drown
Should I tear my eyes out now, before I see too much?
Should I tear my arms out now, I wanna feel your touch

Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow
Should I tear my heart out now?
Everything I feel returns to you somehow

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Sufjan Stevens

The Only Thing lyrics © BMG Rights Management

My Help Comes From The Lord

When sorrows come and hope seems gone
You're the Rock I rest upon
When waters rise and I can't breathe
You're the love that rescues me

Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise

Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength, my song in the night
My refuge, my shelter
Now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord

When I'm broken, scarred by sin
Death gives way to life again
When I suffer, when I'm bound
In You I'm free, in You I'm found

Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise

Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength
You're my refuge
Now and forevermore

Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength, my song in the night
My refuge, my shelter
Now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord

My help comes from the Lord
My help comes from the Lord

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Barry Lewis Weeks / Bryan Higgins Brown / Jon Abel / Tony W. Wood

My Help Comes from the Lord lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group, Capitol CMG Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group

Some Truths I've Learned This Season

I'm uncomfortable with people caring about me.
I'd rather people care about the people I care about instead.

And I care about everyone, at least from a distance.

It's easier than facing myself.

I deflect away from me, even in therapy;

People like it when you talk about then.

It got me in trouble with my friendship with E.

People get used to who you present yourself to be.

Isn't focusing on yourself wrong?

I remember my therapist saying I have religious trauma.

I want nothing to do with religion,

But Jesus, I want You.

But I talk too much,

And sometimes You are hard to find.

Not that it is not my fault.

I struggle with that.

And yet I made that about me.

I am selfish like that.

I don't want to be, 

But I am.

Where do You want me?

Who did You make me to be?

I still want my identity.

Please help me to find it in You.

I still struggle with control,

Though not over any person.

I don't think I can find myself in another than You.

But isn't it bad that I question that?

The Friend I've Always Wanted

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He'll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

Gospel song by Charles Crozat Converse

Untitled

John My Beloved

Are we to speak, first day of the week
Stumbling words at the bar
Beauty blue eyes, my order of fries
Long Island kindness and wine
Beloved of John, I get it all wrong
I read you for some kind of poem
Covered in lines, the fossils I find
Have they no life of their own?

So can we pretend sweetly
Before the mystery ends?
I am a man with a heart that offends
With its lonely and greedy demands
There's only a shadow of me in a matter of speaking I'm dead

Such a waste, your beautiful face
Stumbling carpet arise
Go follow your gem, your white feathered friend
Icarus, point to the sun
If history speaks of two baby teeth
I'm painting the hills blue and red
They said beware, Lord hear my prayer
I've wasted my throes on your head

So can we be friends, sweetly
Before the mystery ends?
I love you more than the world can contain
In its lonely and ramshackle head
There's only a shadow of me in a matter of speaking I'm dead

I'm holding my breath
My tongue on your chest
What can be said of my heart?
If history speaks, the kiss on my cheek
Where there remains but a mark
Beloved my John, so I'll carry on
Counting my cards down to one
And when I am dead, come visit my bed
My fossil is bright in the sun

So can we contend, peacefully
Before my history ends?
Jesus I need you, be near me, come shield me
From fossils that fall on my head
There's only a shadow of me in a matter of speaking I'm dead

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Sufjan Stevens

John My Beloved lyrics © BMG Rights Management

God Is In This Story

There's torn up pages in this book

Words that tell me I'm no good

Chapters that defined me for so long

But the hands of grace and endless love

Dusted off and picked me up

Told my heart that hope is never gone

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story

So if the storm you're walking through
Feels like it's too much and you
Wonder if He even cares at all
Well, hold on tight to what you know
He promised He won't let you go
Your song of healing's written in His scars

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story

If it reads like addiction
If it reads like disease
He's the One who frees the prisoner
He's the healer of all things
If it reads like depression
If it reads broken home
He's the One who holds your sorrow
He won't leave you here alone

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I'm at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me

Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story (you're in this story)
God is in my story (right here in my story)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jeff Pardo / Ethan Hulse / Katy Nichole

God Is in This Story lyrics © Universal Music - Brentwood Benson Songs, Meaux Mercy Publishing, Be Essential Songs

We Were Once All Friends

We were once all friends, the four of us.

I have a photo frame of us on my tall dresser,

But like everything else not built on the Substantial,

It will not last and it will be just a memory.

A memory I have looked to a lot.

First, My Smartest Friend and The One Who Should Know Me Better

Had a falling out, after My Smartest Friend and her then fiancé broke up.

The One Who Should Know Me Better tried, she really did, in her own way.

She initiated in reaching out, sending her memes, thinking she was helping.

In her mind she was, and My Smartest Friend only said the truth in drunken madness.

Then, My Smartest Friend moved away, fully in escapism.

Our friendship was not the same, and I thought she was not talking to me.

Eventually she reached out to me, and she said she cut everyone out.

I needed time away from her, it was good for my soul. 

But she came back, and is in my life today.

Meanwhile, The One Who Should Know Me Better and The One Who Knows Me Better

Were having their own thing, of which I did not then know.

The One Who Knows Me Better left her husband, and stayed off and on with

The One Who Should Know Me Better and the One Who I Don't Know Well Enough.

The four of us spent quite a bit of time together the last couple months of last year.

The One Who Should Know Me Better was broken up with by her boyfriend,

The One Who I Don't Know Well Enough, at he beginning of this year,

Causing a spiral in her, a brokenness that no person knew how would play out.

All the meanwhile, The One Who Knows Me Better was still hurting,

And The One Who Should Know Me Better was unknowingly insensitive to her.

The One Know Who Knows Me Better and Less started seeing

The One Who I Don't Know Well Enough,

And he has made her feel loved like never before.

She deserves to feel loved, and I hope she gets more than she's been given before. 

When The One Who Should Know Me Better found out, she was unspeakably livid.

Their friendship had a fall out, a very long time coming.

I am/ was individually friends with all three.

Now The One Who Should Know Me Better wants me to choose.

I won't. I choose them all. I am not defriending any of them.

But I will also not let her control me.

We were once all friends, the four of us.

I have a photo frame of us on my tall dresser,

And I will cherish parts of the last eight years.

But like everything else not built on the Substantial,

This too will fade, and the last eight years will be just a memory.

A Thanksgiving of Firsts

This Thanksgiving was a time of many firsts.

The first time away from my family, 

The first time going to see buying a live tree,

The first time being on the outside.

The first time being with friends for the big day.

Every year past I have been with my family.

One year with my best friend and her dad too,

But this year was different.

My one friend is without her family,

While her husband is with some of his.

My beloved sister and brother in law

Stayed home, for reasons unwanted.

After being back, my parents have been different.

My mother gave me a big hug as soon as she saw me,

And my dad made it a point to talk to me before work.

I just hope this connection continues.

She Tried To Teach Me

My mother taught me so much,
Including about abuse - 

Physical, sexual, everything she knew -

She protected me in every way she knew how.

That didn't stop what happened,

Though she wanted it to.

She protected me from so much -

And I hope she knows how valuable she is.

Every time I talk to her, she seems to take things personally,

Like the young woman who is living with us,

We are all sensitive, and yet we can't seem to find a way to communicate.

You have used Oprah - You can use anyone and anything.

I learned that from my mother.

I am more thankful than she knows,

I have been more hurt than she would have ever wanted,

And yet here I am - in You, God. 

You are the only One who matters.

She DID teach me that. 

So this post is dedicated to my mother,

Who You gave me - Thank You.

The Art of Friendship

A week away,
With the two newlyweds.

Only a month after a move,

Though it seems like more.

Two friends who don't know 

How to be healthy friends,

Learning while feeling weak,

Always having sights on the next thing.

I don't know everything,

But I know it meant that we came.

Actions speak louder than words,

And I hope they felt that.

In The Secret Quiet Place

In the secret in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there
In the secret in the quiet hour
I wait only for You
'Cause I want to, I wanna know You more

I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I'm reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
'Cause I want to, I wanna know You more

I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more
I wanna know You more and more
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
'Cause I want to know You more, Jesus

I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You-
I want to know You more
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Andy Park

Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)

 

• It doesn't hurt me
  Do you want to feel how it feels?
  Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
  Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
  You, it's you and me
  
  And if I only could
  I'd make a deal with God
  And I'd get him to swap our places
  Be running up that road
  Be running up that hill
  Be running up that building
  See if I only could, oh
  
  You don't want to hurt me
  But see how deep the bullet lies
  Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
  Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts
  
  Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
  Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
  You, it's you and me
  It's you and me won't be unhappy
  
  And if I only could
  I'd make a deal with God
  And I'd get him to swap our places
  Be running up that road
  Be running up that hill
  Be running up that building
  Say, if I only could, oh
  
  You
  It's you and me
  It's you and me won't be unhappy
  
  C'mon, baby, c'mon darling
  Let me steal this moment from you now
  C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling
  Let's exchange the experience, oh
  
  And if I only could
  I'd make a deal with God
  And I'd get him to swap our places
  Be running up that road
  Be running up that hill
  With no problems
  
  So if I only could
  I'd make a deal with God
  And I'd get him to swap our places
  Be running up that road
  Be running up that hill
  With no problems
  
  So if I only could
  I'd make a deal with God
  And I'd get him to swap our places
  Be running up that road
  Be running up that hill
  With no problems
  
  So if I only could
  Be running up that hill
  With no problems
  
  (If I only could, I'd be running up that hill)
  (If I only could, I'd be running up that hill)

The Only One Who is Always With You

Throughout your life:
The only One who is always with you,
And the only One who is truly by your side,
Is the One who made you,
The One True God,
Who contains no gender.

We Have A Connection

We have a connection,
The One Who Knows Me Better & Less
(Better overall, less in time spent)

Which she called a "kindred spirit"

And I called a "spiritual connection."

She cried and said she would will miss me,

After the last place tonight, 

Which I dragged My Smartest Friend.

I came because of her.

I think she might know that?

Before the show, 

She said a lot of things,

Including how she had a box

For The One Who Should Know Me Better.

She said I could tell her everything I know.

Does she want her to know everything,

Or is she trying to make it easier on me?

She's much smarter than me,

And I wish she would be more direct,

But she's not used to that, as she has shared.

Only God knows the full story,

In every situation.

Please redeem those who I know

Who You have clearly cared about,

In my life so far.

The Last Game

Tonight was the last volleyball game.
For The One Who Knows Me Better & Less,
And The One Who I Don't Know Well Enough.
I'm so sorry I overlooked and underestimated him!
I have always enjoyed him, and I'm so glad he came.

It was a great night. They all had fun.

The One Who I Don't Know Well Enough played with me in 2019,

As The One Who Should Know Me Better

Was with him then and urged him to play.

We had some fun together, but it wasn't like tonight.

I'm so glad I learned the truth,

From my Once Upon A Time Boyfriend,

Who another girl seemed to be with him,

Though he is a forever bachelor,

And she gave me the eye at the end.

While I'm still bothered by the fact that The One Who Knows Me Less

Did not share with me what was really going on, 

And My Once Upon A Time Boyfriend knew because

He was friends with friends with The One Who I Don't Know Well Enough,

I really also get it.

In the last game,

No one truly knows where everyone else stands.

Only The One Who Knows Everything knows all,

Even that I was so mad at him tonight.

For after all, cannot The One Knows Everything fix everything?

Love Is A Very Special Thing

Love is a very special thing
A smile, a tear, a soft summer  rain

It has no beginning
It has no end
And I like it best when its shared with a friend

Love is never stuffed up,
Never puffed up
Never gives up
When the goings rough
It’s the biggest little word you can say
By the way
It’s sympathy, sincerity, its charity
The main variety of everything
Happiness is made of

Love is never stuffed up,
Never puffed up
Never gives up
When the goings rough
It’s the biggest little word you can say
By the way
It’s sympathy, sincerity, its charity
The main variety of everything
Happiness is made of

And I like it best when it’s shared with a friend.

They Both Gave Me End Tables

When my smartest (& least loyal) friend moved last year,
She gave me her coffee table and end table.

She actually got new ones before she moved,

And gave them to me as she was sifting through things.

The were both lightweight.

Now my friend who knows me less (& also who knows me better) is moving,

And tonight she gave me her coffee table and end table.

She is not yet moved, but wanted to gift and not sell them.

She was gifted them and is sensitive to make sure she doesn't use anyone.

They were both lightweight.

A year apart my two friends, the two I have the deepest connection with,

The two I have felt The One Who Made Everything wanted to be in my life,

Have both, through very different circumstances, gifted me the same things.

As one of them said on our weekend trip to Put-In-Bay,

"You have two people who know you and love you."

God Loves People More Than Anything

God loves people more than anything
God loves people more than anything
More than anything he wants
Them to know
He'd rather die than let them go
'Cause God loves people more
Than anything

God loves the weary
When they're too weak to try
He feels their pain, he knows their shame
He cries with those who cry
He won't give up or walk away
When other people do
'Cause god loves people more
Than anything

More than anything he wants us to go
And show the world so they will know
That god loves people more
Than anything

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Cathy N Dennis / Thomas Mark Harmer Nichols / Timothy Daniel N Woodcock

More Than Anything lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

She Lied To Me

She lied to me - 
The One Who Knows Me Better & Less,

In her timeline of getting together with 

Her current partner, for better or for worse.

The One Who Should Know Me Better 

Is not all wrong, as I figured.

But I didn't expect or want the betrayal.

Still, we will get over it.

She hid him in her heart,

For fear of it not being real.

She just wants to find happiness,

When for so many years she's been living by a lie.

My gut feeling when she told me about him 

Was that she was playing catch up,

And I had a very strong uneasy gut feeling. 

After all, she is also just human. 

I remember feeling thankful she filled me in,

And for all she has told me, 

As she doesn't trust anyone.

And she has volunteered what she has told me.

That doesn't mean I always helped,

As I said things that didn't make it easy to respond.

I always want the truth,

But sometimes the truth is just plain hard. 

She lied to me in a very superfluous thing;

She reminded me of my cousins years ago,

Who started telling me the true story and got scared

And then changed the ending. 

I forgive her for that, even though she did not ask; 

She doesn't even know I know,

But she is quite sensitive and though I want to see the best,

I more want to know the truth.

Can you truly love someone without knowing who they are?

I hope we always stay friends.

We have both been through unspeakable things.

May we always find each other.

My Cat is a Hunter Cat

My cat is a hunter cat,
And I love her so much for it!

Tonight she spotted a moth,

And she is still trying to kill it.

She has killed mice before,

And knows how to use her claws.

I love my dear kitty,

But she really needs to stop pooping outside of the litter box.

I Love and I Hate

Growing up I was always told,

You can dislike someone but you can't hate them - 

Especially those in the church.

No matter what they do, they are going to heaven too.

The longer I've been out of church,

The harder it is to fit in again when I visit - 

Though that is true for anything 

That people are not used to.

But is church supposed to be like that?

Is it supposed to be filled with such jargon 

That it doesn't make sense to the average person?

Is the church supposed to wait for people to come to them?

Though I don't do church anymore,

One of my greatest mentors I met there - 

But he did not stay there.

Church is a catalyst of both love and hate for me personally.

I love that I met that K.L.W. there,

Even though, at five, I had no idea how good of a thing it was.

I hate that the one who verbally tormented me to make himself feel better 

Was there, all the time, blaming me for things both true and untrue.

I hate that people told my mom she held me too much,

And that holding babies too much spoiled them. 

I hate that I was blamed for making my parents late - 

As if I controlled them, though in large part because of this person I did stall.

I remember being five and hating that it was like a show.

I loved to (and still love to) dress up,

But I hated that my mom only let me wear dresses to church,

And not in my everyday life when I really wanted to.

I hated that our vacations revolved around church - 

They were leaders in a smaller church,

So they planned it around Sundays,

As if that was what we should revolve our life around.

I hated that my mom was often children's ministry director,

Meaning she had us at church way too often,

But I also loved the perks, including free gifts,

And the feeling of knowing someone in power.

The church has always been a catalyst of mixed emotions,

Of abuse and of power, of love and of control;

While love can sometimes be found there,

All too often it is a place of pure hate. 

One Step At A Time

ONE STEP AT A TIME

Verse 1
When something seems too hard to handle
Too big to conquer, too far away to touch,
When all your dreams begin to shatter,
And deep inside you you’re hurting, oh, so much,
That’s when it’s time to say

Chorus
I’m climbing my mountain step by step
I’m climbing my mountain day by day
I’m climbing my mountain all the way
I’m climbing my mountain, I’m gonna make it
One step at a time, One step at a time,
One step at a time with Jesus by my side
One step at a time, One step at a time,
I’m climbing my mountain one step at a time

Verse 2
Even though you might grow weary
Don’t be discouraged, in your weakness God is strong
Remember this, He’ll never leave you,
He won’t forsake you, He’s your strength and He’s your song
So sing and start to say,

Chorus

Tag
One step at a time, One step at a time,
One step at a time with Jesus by my side
One step at a time, One step at a time,
I’m climbing my mountain
I’m climbing my mountain one step at a time

Words & Music Ernie Rettino & Debby Kerner Rettino
©1985 & this arrangement 1986 Rettino Kerner Publishing– www.psalty.com
All rights reserved. International Copyright Secured.