I Love and I Hate

Growing up I was always told,

You can dislike someone but you can't hate them - 

Especially those in the church.

No matter what they do, they are going to heaven too.

The longer I've been out of church,

The harder it is to fit in again when I visit - 

Though that is true for anything 

That people are not used to.

But is church supposed to be like that?

Is it supposed to be filled with such jargon 

That it doesn't make sense to the average person?

Is the church supposed to wait for people to come to them?

Though I don't do church anymore,

One of my greatest mentors I met there - 

But he did not stay there.

Church is a catalyst of both love and hate for me personally.

I love that I met that K.L.W. there,

Even though, at five, I had no idea how good of a thing it was.

I hate that the one who verbally tormented me to make himself feel better 

Was there, all the time, blaming me for things both true and untrue.

I hate that people told my mom she held me too much,

And that holding babies too much spoiled them. 

I hate that I was blamed for making my parents late - 

As if I controlled them, though in large part because of this person I did stall.

I remember being five and hating that it was like a show.

I loved to (and still love to) dress up,

But I hated that my mom only let me wear dresses to church,

And not in my everyday life when I really wanted to.

I hated that our vacations revolved around church - 

They were leaders in a smaller church,

So they planned it around Sundays,

As if that was what we should revolve our life around.

I hated that my mom was often children's ministry director,

Meaning she had us at church way too often,

But I also loved the perks, including free gifts,

And the feeling of knowing someone in power.

The church has always been a catalyst of mixed emotions,

Of abuse and of power, of love and of control;

While love can sometimes be found there,

All too often it is a place of pure hate.