I Went Myself

Not to church this morning -
I dragged my mother with me to that -
But to the group tonight,
I went all by myself.

Usually I do not like to,
And I was very nervous,
But I can be outgoing and was,
And for that I am proud.

Next week I will go to church alone,
And check out other groups, also by myself.
My one friend went to a Bible study herself too tonight,
To which she did not invite any of us (her friends) to.

I do wish I could have been with my friend too,
Who invited me to watch the Golden Globes.
But I knew I would regret missing this opportunity,
Even though I wish I could have been there too.

I am excited about the opportunities I am creating,
Meeting new people and developing relationships on my own,
Especially in light of the fact that I tend to like to meet others
When I am already with friends I know
And this, meeting others alone, will help me grow.

It Went Well

Tonight the three of us got together for the first time
After the big fight in mid November.

(I am not counting the ball because there were five of us
plus our dates, and we didn't even all sit at the same table.)

I was nervous, but it actually went very well.

Everything was calm, and we were able to catch up.
I had grieved the loss of the threesome
And then come to accept that it was over,
Then when it wasn't, I was cautious and not sure
I wanted it back. Because it led to the fight.

I still will remember those earlier months pleasantly,
Even though I felt left out at times and
It wasn't as rosy as I like to recall.

I do still miss seeing them both two to three times a week,
Though I still often see the first one I met that much.

We have all changed; we are not the same people we were when we met
And the test is to each stay friends as we each grow and change.

When we were all spending so much time together
None of us were doing devotions regularly like we should have,
And since the change we have all gotten back into that.

It was both sad and good to hear and verbalize these and more changes;
But overall, it definitely went well, and for that I am thankful.

I Hurt My Back

I'm not sure why, but on Sunday my lower back started hurting.
It hasn't gotten significantly better, and at times it has gotten worse.
It has all the symptoms of a pinched nerve,
And I've started trying the home remedies to relieve it.

But today it got the best of me,
And I laid in bed with the heating pad
For most of the day.
Then it felt better until I coughed.

I really don't know what I am going to do.
I have to work tomorrow
And I really don't have insurance or the money
To go see my doctor.

It seriously hurt to walk at times today,
And I am not sure how long it will last.
This kind of rules out my plans tomorrow
Of going salsa dancing with a friend.

At least it gives me perspective
On those who live with chronic pain.
And makes me feel like I have been blessed,
Even with all the emotional crap I've had.

An Impossible Wish

Recently I read a quote that said loving without getting hurt is an impossible wish.
I really wish it weren't so, but that quote seems to be true.
And no one is exempt. Even two, six, eleven, and fifteen year old girls.
Who have to watch things they should never have to see.
Is there such thing as pure love in this world?
The closest I have seen is a mother's love, but even that creates pain.

Sleep, dear girls, and learn from your elder's mistakes.
You are loved, even if all earthly love fails.
You will always be loved by the one who created you.
Maybe that is the only true love out there.
But it's enough to remind you to love again,
And gives you the strength to carry on.

It's the only way I've been able to love again.
I hope to pass this hope on to you, dear sweet girls.

I Miss Our Nights

After my brother came home from college the last time,
We used to watch TV together every night.
For a long time it was How I Met Your Mother,
Over and over again, then mixed with other shows.

Then it turned into movie nights when I was teaching,
And in the past couple years it became a mixture
Of new shows that we kept up with,
And some movies and reruns.

We would drink and get food,
Talk and watch on the TV in the basement.

But now his work schedule is crazy,
And for over a year it has not been the same.
Every night turned into most nights,
Then slowly most nights turned into a few,
Until it became where it is now: hardly ever.

I know we are both busy,
And I always knew it would pass.
That's why I just enjoyed every minute of it
And made the most of it while I could.

I do not regret our many nights,
And since then I have spent more nights out with friends.
But sometimes I really miss our nights,
When we would just get together and hang out.

It's Always Something

Last year, I started out the new year sick.
This year, I was fine until today,
When I realized I can't find my wallet.
Something always happens to start the new year off rocky.

Last I saw it was yesterday when I bought
Popcorn at the movie theater.
It is very possible it dropped there,
But will they find it?

If not, I'll never know where it ended up.
I have a bad feeling about it.
I am too calm.
Usually when I get upset everything turns out okay.

I cannot find it anywhere in the house,
Or my dad's car, or my nanny bag.
It's not in the purse where it belongs.
There has been no unusual activity on my card.

This has never happened to me before.
I am actually surprised I didn't lose it at the bar
Where I left my purse with my drunk friends.
No, I lose it stark sober, sometime after I go see a movie.

Update 1/3: The theater found it after being called,
So I picked it up this morning. Yay! :)

Happy New Year

Apparently, out of all my friends there last night, I am the only one who remembers everything. :)