It Hurts Worse Not to Try

When dealing with relationships,
Which we all unfortunately need,
I have learned that it hurts worse not to try,
Than to try and get rejected.

I first learned this when I was fourteen.
I have spent much of my adult life
Pretending I do not have the hurts that I do,
And that life has always been as good as it got.

But I remember, and in the end I want to.
I remember closing myself up, and refusing to let anyone in.
I remember being the silent one, the one who one classmate
Actually thought never spoke, when I was in 9th grade.

I was not a mute, but I learned to hide myself within.
And as aggressive as I was born,
Through life I learned that sometimes
You just need to shut down - it makes people less upset.

So when today I found out one of my closest friends,
Who I had really felt loved by the night before,
Had voluntarily booked a flight on my birthday to see another friend,
It fucking hurt, and I shut down.

Any other year it might not be as big of a deal,
But my birthday is finally on a Saturday again.
And she doesn't have to be there until a week later,
So it would have been just as easy to book a flight the next day.

Thankfully this friend does not read emotion,
And I hope she only picked up that I was "off".
I wish I had said something, even lighthearted,
Such as "It's a bummer you can't come on my birthday."

But I did not think of that then,
I was trying only not to cry as I wrote the dates down,
And to compose myself so I would be ok
As her aunt, uncle, and best friend were coming soon.

Life hurts, but it hurts worse for those who don't try,
As I have learned the hard way before.
So that is why, despite my hurt,
I will get back up, and love again.

Even to the friend who hurt me.
I am just thankful there is One
Who can heal my broken heart,
Even though I made myself numb tonight.