She Prayed For Us

She prayed for us always, she told me quite often,
Everyone in her family - and others too.
She even called out to God in the middle of the night.

There were two kids, two daughter-in-laws
Six grand kids - five of whom are girls,
And three great grand children by the end.

It is now bereavement leave,
And my sister and brother-in-law came in,
Making this more real than ever before.

Saturday will be an early journey,
One I will never really be prepared for.
She made an impression on so many souls, no one can count.

As I sat at the hairdressers today,
She reminded me that we will all see each other again,
But it doesn't take the sting out of the moment.

Only Jesus saves. I wish everyone would know -
So many would love God if they only knew what He is really like -
Not what mass media or even the church portrays.

That was always my grandma's message -
No matter how convoluted, no matter the generation.
In the end, God loves you, and wants you to let Him in.

Sometimes Tears Are Red

Sometimes tears are red,
Like the blood flowing through your veins,
Like wine dripping from the bottle,
The blood tears as they manifest.

Sometimes tears are blue,
As one struggles to hold their breath,
As they dunk under the water and can't come up,
Like blue ink spilling all over the page.

Sometimes tears are clear,
Like the lies you can't detect,
Like the things coming that you never see,
Ready to swallow you whole, if you let it.

Sometimes tears are black,
Like the hole that you hide in,
Or the poison in your heart,
A pitch black place where you can't see anything.

Sometimes tears are gray,
As your dreams slip away,
As what you once knew is no more,
And life will never be the same.

Sometimes tears are white,
Like the blank space in your heart,
Or the vacant look in your eyes,
Waiting, watching, wanting more.

Most often times tears are variegated,
Containing all that has happened in the past,
What has made you alive and what has tried to kill you.
As they manifest together.

Death Never Takes a Holiday

My grandma died this morning -
The one who wasn't allowed to die.
The one who has defended me and stood up for me
My whole entire life.

I am rotating between shock and sadness,
Crying and numbness.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I miss her so much already.

I hate death.
It never takes a holiday,
And comes completely unexpected,
Leaving destruction in its path.

It's not supposed to be this way.

Somehow We're All Friends

As my brother put it tonight,
My friends and I all speak in hyperbole's,
Including my smartest friend,
Including The One Who Knows Me Less,
And definitely including The One Who Should Know Me Better.

Something happened between Wednesday night and yesterday,
With the One Who Should Know Me Better.
At least she's reaching out,
Even though she no longer wants something from me.

I saw my smartest friend tonight,
Who invited me last minute,
And I wasn't sure if she meant it,
But when she repeated it I came.
She spent time with me and another girlfriend,
Before heading to her boyfriends for the night.

He wants to see my sweetest friend,
The One Who Knows Me Less
(Can I even say that anymore?)
Even though she's been through the most shit,
She's the sweetest one among us,
And deserves so much more than she's been given.

My friend who wants me to move closer,
I wish it were that easy.
I miss her so much,
And her husband and girls too.

I miss my sweet former coworker friend,
Who is the most sensitive soul,
Who has two kids and struggles with so much,
But yet carries on with the strength of a saint.

I miss my first BFF,
Who I hardly see.
We text, that's how we talk,
And we do keep up with each others lives.

I love them all, my six friends.
I want to make more - am in the process of doing so.
But at the same time I need to let them all go,
Into the Father's hands they go.
I cannot save a single one.
No matter how much I would like to.

But somehow, we are all here now,
On this earth, which belongs to the Lord.
I love them all, I think they love me.
Somehow we are all friends.

Me in the Middle

You're three best girlfriends, having a great time,
The personal shopper said to us tonight,
As the three of us were there, looking for an outfit
For the one celebrating an anniversary with her boyfriend.

In the best of times, I could fake it well,
But tonight I am just so damn tired,
And at the end I hope I blocked all feelings,
So that the One That Knows Me Less could not pick up on anything.

We are three friends, that's for sure -
And I love them both to death despite any emotions.
But I wish I had not gone tonight,
Wish I had worked overtime instead.

It's a weird thing to say for sure,
And if I died tomorrow I would not have regretted it,
And would only wish I had been more generous.
But it was a long day, and there are so many complications.

The one celebrating the anniversary is best friends with the other -
And she is best friends with her.
Though I wish we were all best friends like the lady said,
They have the history, and I do not.

It's not like I don't have other friends,
And I had a wonderful happy hour last night too
With potential new friends on top of my other dear ones -
But I wish I could be close with those I apparently can't have.

The One Who Should Know Me Better has only been paying attention to me,
When she wants something from me, which she does right now.
The One Who Knows Me Less said it was good to see me again,
Even though I saw them both (separately) this past weekend.

I wish I was a better faker, and yet also a better friend.
I wish I was better at controlling my emotions,
Even when I'm so damn tired.
But tonight, my heart was not in it,

Tonight, I was too much in the middle of myself.
And no matter how it appeared,
That is not a good place to be,
No matter what it looks like.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time,
Back when we were young,
Before real life got in the way,
Before our grown up jobs,
Before most of our added bills,
Before we grew up into the adults we are now...

My first BFF and I used to go shopping,
At one of two malls, which became our stomping grounds.
We first started during our college years,
And continued into our early and mid twenties,
When I would come back home and see her,
Or we would take a weekend day to shop, eat, and hang out.

It was such a good day, as we did this once again,
With good weather, good company,
As we hit multiple stores that were in walking distance.
We both had some gift cards,
And I started Christmas shopping,
And she did some retail therapy after a rough month.

Change is hard, and we no longer can do this often.
But once in awhile it is nice to revisit juvenile times,
And spend time with someone you no longer see as often.
Because no one can take away what we once had,
And no one can separate us from our friendship,
No matter how times have changed and evolved.

People are People

People are sweet,
Like my one friend who texts me everyday.
It's fun right now, and I'll take it while it lasts.

People are kind,
Sometimes lending an ear,
And giving back love,
Like my one friend a few weeks ago,
During a night I'll never forget.

People are flighty,
Like one of my cube mates,
Who goes in all directions,
With such a fun personality.
I'll just learn to love her for who she is.

People are tough,
Like my boss,
When she is having to make tough decisions.

People are selfish,
Like one of my coworkers,
Who only thinks about herself,
And expects others to cater to her.

People are depressing,
And depression runs rampant,
Which a couple of my friends have struggled with recently.
And even myself, at various times in my life.

People are disgusting,
In the way they live
And treat others,
It's all over the media,
And in mundane life for those who notice.

People are intelligent,
Like the attorney on my team,
Who not only knows his job,
But is expert at dealing with people.

People are creative,
Just ask all the artists, storytellers,
And anyone who uses this gift.

People are elusive,
Even when they're you're friend,
Having a hard time letting others in.

People are People,
With every emotion and attribute under the sun,
Contradicting themselves,
As multiple attributes merge together.

People are complicated.
And ultimately,
Through choice after choice,
People decide which kind of People they will be.