We All Love Ourselves

It's why we feed ourselves, clothe ourselves,
Try to make ourselves feel better.
We buy ourselves nice things,
And try to foster relationships that make us feel good.

This is not all bad; it is an innate desire in us
To love and to be loved.
But our love is selfish,
And can hurt ourselves and others.

It's why people commit suicide
To put themselves out of their pain.
It's why people leave others out,
And make others bear the burden of their indolence.

I know there are other types of love,
Such as a mother's love to a child,
Which can actually put the child's needs first,
Even at the expense of herself.

But I am just saying that everyone is born
With an innate selfish love that wants the good of themselves,
Even sometimes at the expense of others,
And that is something I have seen a lot of lately.

The First Time

The first time my mother actually admitted
That she and I are very different people,
Was last night, and for once while talking with her,
I was struck with such great relief,
And a feeling of being understood.

I've told her that so much in my life,
But she always denied certain differences,
Thinking we are more the same than we are,
And finally she gets it,
Or at least a part of it that matters.

I've known for so long,
And while this doesn't mean
She doesn't still want me to be someone I'm not
Whether consciously or subconsciously,
It is a great start and gives me hope.

She never likes to be wrong - none of us do,
But finally she recognizes some of our innate differences.
And hopefully there will be more understanding to come,
More understanding of our differences from the both of us,
And how to love each other for who we both are.

It Was a Collage

Before I ever had this blog,
Before I graduated from college,
A long time ago,
When I was eighteen,

I almost died in a car accident.
It was the first time my life flashed before my eyes,
And it was a collage, not a scene by scene.
But God saved my life.

It was in college, on the way to a field experience,
By a driver who notoriously drove recklessly,
But it was a way we got to our classes,
And us freshman had no choice in the matter.

I don't want to ever again be in a Christian bubble,
But I am always belonging to God,
For churches and religion are not my thing,
But God, and Jesus who rules this Earth, are omnipotent.

And regardless of what happens,
May everyone know,
God is the only one who matters,
The only one who makes lives better.

Dinner with a Friend

And by friend, I mean acquaintance,
Who I hadn't seen in well over a year,
Who has reconnected with a former friend,
And now things are just really weird
The only way that life is in ways you can't make up.

She was the gateway to a couple of my most treasured friends,
And I in no way regret meeting her,
As I learned so much when we actually did hang out,
Before she got engaged, and then married,
And somehow we made it together again tonight.

Life is funny that way, bringing people in and out.
My only advice is to be on your guard always,
Unless you really truly know someone,
And they have established trust.
Otherwise, it is just Dinner with a Friend.

A Poetic Evening

Thursday night - Valentine's Day - I went to my first poetry reading.
One of my friends was reading for the first time that night,
And I was there to support her.

She has been single for a couple weeks,
And another friend of hers was just dumped Monday,
And everyone was gathering to support each other.

My friends was nervous,
And at the last minute decided to read two poems
Instead of just the one she had planned.

You see, she has been writing for around 20 years,
And uses it to deal with all her pent up hurt and pain,
So she has a lot of gold to chose from.

So many stories, so much hurt.
There is a whole community of survivors -
Those etching pain into poetry, anger into beauty.

The black lady whose mother was white,
Who was continually asked if she was adopted,
Who has constantly been used and abused by society.

The lady who was raped when she was five,
The woman with six kids,
And the man who dares to let his guard down.

And my dear friend with the forever broken heart,
Who is literally looking for love in all the wrong places,
And has yet to find a guy who treats her like the jewel she is.

I am not much of a poet but I am a writer - and life is meant to be shared,
Whether publicly or through private bursts on an unknown blog.
Because we all share experiences that make up life, somewhere.

Change is in the Air

It's all around, what I want to change and what I wished would not have,
But in the end it is what it is and I have to adjust.

In a way I reconnected with a couple of guys from the old group,
Even went on a (bad, very bad) date with one,
But I am not getting back in, as tempting as it sometimes is.
I have moved on.

The era of E and I are officially over.
It's really been over for awhile,
But maybe I just needed more time to accept it.
I definitely needed the shifts that have occurred.

I am breaking in to a new group,
But making friends is so slow.
At least making quality friends -
Which is what I want.

I connected more with two other friends,
Which is good but I don't really know what that means.
They will be in and out of my life as usual,
As they both have very busy schedules.

I need to love my family more,
I have started working on it.
I need to do devotions,
And really work to move out.

Much has changed, some definite progress this year,
But there is still so, so much to work on.

Winter is Here

The polar vortex last week reminded us all that winter is here,
And she is a Bitch.