Spring is Here

It may be a month or so late,
But spring weather is finally here.

This Is My Anxiety

When I look normal on the outside
But my thoughts are spiraling within
This is my anxiety.

When my insecurities bombard me
And I have to recollect myself
This is my anxiety.

When I smile at work,
But am forcefully collecting myself within,
Or at least as much as I can,
Enough that I appear normal on the outside
This is my anxiety.

I overslept past my alarm,
And my back left tire was flat this morning,
Making me a half hour late.
I think this is what set off my anxiety.

At work I am helping pre-close,
Doing parts of my old job,
And only doing my current one sporadically,
While I wait for more legals to type.
This does not help my anxiety.

I'm unsettled about last night,
Only God truly knows why,
But I guess I shall see
If anything has changed.
This is my anxiety at play.

It likes to play around with me,
To make me question the loyalty of my friends
And everything I know to be true.

In those moments, I fight,
I fight my anxiety.

It helps to know a lot of people struggle with it,
A lot wrestle with their own demons,
Whether they look the same or not.

It helps to crochet, to write, to watch TV,
To sleep, to lay down,
To recognize that this is in fact anxiety.

And that is why I am holed up in my bedroom,
Doing laundry and drinking wine,
Spending some time collecting myself
In one of my safe places.

Because my anxiety = my crazy.

And that is something I work to keep at bay.

The One Who Knows Me Less

The One Who Knows Me Less
Knew I would be hurt
When they both ditched me
And told the One Who Should Know Me Better

I appreciate that about the her,
The One Who Knows Me Less,
And tonight my actual friend,
The One Who Should Know Me Better,
Found out when I did not deny it,
As I will not do when she asks me,
When she brought it up,
Even when she said she felt bad that I was hurt.
I appreciate that she cares that I felt hurt.

I will also call her on her shit,
And speak the truth about
What is really happening,
As she can be easily manipulated
And I have a stronger personality,
Even on medicine.

The One Who Knows Me Less,
Is a reader of friends,
Of the room,
Of all around her,
And for that she knows a lot,

The One Who Should Know Me Better,
Is not a reader,
Has sister issues,
And has graduated to seeing me as a friend,
Versus a younger sister to watch out for.

I am not sure if that is a compliment
Or an insult,
But I know that it is the end of an era,
For better or for worse.

And I will remain loyal to both,
In different ways,
To the One Who Knows Me Less,
But is fiercely loyal and honest,

And to the One Who Should Know Me Better,
Who cares regardless of her lack of reading people,
Regardless of her arrogrance
Which makes her realize less than those who aren't,
And of her limitations and sister issues,
Because she is my friend,
And I love her for who she is,
A person with a very kind heart
And a caring personality.

I am just amazed at life,
At how things play out,
And how life has become
The Person Who Knows Me Less
And The Person Who Should Know Me Better.

It's Sad All Around

When friendships change,
When friendships end,
It's sad all around.

Once super close,
It started unraveling over a year ago,
And now we hardly talk,
And it's sad all around.

Things came to a head last summer,
I backed off,
It's sad all around.

We started doing better in the fall,
We were still dealing with issues,
But we still saw each other,
And now it's sad all around.

Last time we texted was Easter.
It's awkward and I don't know what to say.
It's awkward and she doesn't know what to say.
It's just really sad all around.

Maybe we can recover,
Maybe we can still be friends,
Hopefully it does not completely end.
That would be extremely sad all around.

I do not know the future,
I have not cut her out,
Regardless of if she cuts me out.
It would be extremely sad all around.

I just know that I will survive regardless.
There's hurt on both sides,
No matter how you look at it,
It is simply sad all around.

We Moved Today

We moved today
Our whole office department
Joining Corporate and the Law Firm
And soon certain Escrow and all of Commercial.

I have a good view,
I can't complain,
Although I don't know if it's a compliment
That I'm the farthest from my boss's office
Or an insult that I'm by the cute C.O.O.

It's farther away, but in a much better building
Way more people, but a way bigger space.

I have mixed feelings, but it doesn't matter,
There is no choice in this,
Just life moving on.
I will continue to do my job, typing away.

The Cruise Part II

May it be much better than the first.

The Clock Stops Here

October 6, 2017 - I will always remember you.
You took from me the one true friend,
Who was always there, a text away,
And who means more to me than I can ever say.

It's been over two weeks and I still can't believe you're gone,
Gone before I ran the half marathon which you always cheered me on,
Gone before the Halloween party I almost went to,
Gone before I could tell you how much you mean to me.

You died at the top of the world.
But it's a tragedy you didn't live further on,
That your girlfriend is still here, and your parents, cousins, and friends.

I've missed your funny memes,
Your texts that made the worst days better
And the regular days go faster.

I miss your wisdom and words of advice.
You always called me out when I needed,
And showed up when it mattered most.

I remember the last time you saw me, when I was training
For the half and I didn't even get to see you.

I remember my birthday, you were one of three who came out,
And when you were hurting and I invited you out for drinks
And you wouldn't let me pay, swooping in like the perfect
Gentleman you always were.

I remember meeting you, not knowing what to expect,
How we started texting almost right away.

You took me out to various places for the very first time,
You recommended one of my favorite wines
Even though you would hardly ever drink.

You've seen me completely wasted and 100% sober,
Extremely talkative and dead silent.
No matter my mood, you were always there,
Gently cheering me on and calming down my fears.

The last time I saw you was at game night,
It seemed like our lives would go on forever.

I will never forget you. The world will never be the same.
You'd better be in heaven and we better meet again.

You took some of my secrets with you - you were that good of a friend.
The world is hard without you, I just hope you're free of the pain.
And no matter what happens, I will carry a part of you with me always,
And you will forever be a part of my life, embedded within.