The Clock Stops Here

October 6, 2017 - I will always remember you.
You took from me the one true friend,
Who was always there, a text away,
And who means more to me than I can ever say.

It's been over two weeks and I still can't believe you're gone,
Gone before I ran the half marathon which you always cheered me on,
Gone before the Halloween party I almost went to,
Gone before I could tell you how much you mean to me.

You died at the top of the world.
But it's a tragedy you didn't live further on,
That your girlfriend is still here, and your parents, cousins, and friends.

I've missed your funny memes,
Your texts that made the worst days better
And the regular days go faster.

I miss your wisdom and words of advice.
You always called me out when I needed,
And showed up when it mattered most.

I remember the last time you saw me, when I was training
For the half and I didn't even get to see you.

I remember my birthday, you were one of three who came out,
And when you were hurting and I invited you out for drinks
And you wouldn't let me pay, swooping in like the perfect
Gentleman you always were.

I remember meeting you, not knowing what to expect,
How we started texting almost right away.

You took me out to various places for the very first time,
You recommended one of my favorite wines
Even though you would hardly ever drink.

You've seen me completely wasted and 100% sober,
Extremely talkative and dead silent.
No matter my mood, you were always there,
Gently cheering me on and calming down my fears.

The last time I saw you was at game night,
It seemed like our lives would go on forever.

I will never forget you. The world will never be the same.
You'd better be in heaven and we better meet again.

You took some of my secrets with you - you were that good of a friend.
The world is hard without you, I just hope you're free of the pain.
And no matter what happens, I will carry a part of you with me always,
And you will forever be a part of my life, embedded within.

I Turned 30

I had a birthday last week, the big 3-0!
Most of my friends have been in their 30s since I was 27 so it's not
As big of a deal as it otherwise could have been.

My coworkers decorated my cubical (yes, I have an office job now!)
And I had two happy hours and a celebration for my big day.

Job situation wise I am (mostly) where I wanted to be,
And I still have my main few friends (for better and worse).
I would still like to move, and while there's a lot to work on,
There's still much to be thankful for. <3

Everything is Wrong

This is how it is right now;

This is how it feels.

The job has many issues, one after another.

At least it's a job - but it pays low wages.

One friend has a boyfriend,

And that means he comes first. 

Everything has changed.

I am in the process of letting her go.

Another friend has a new friend,

One of who I had thought was my friend.

I thought wrong. She never said anything,

But I can tell by her actions.

And whenever they do stuff just the two of them,

Especially when it's something I like to do,

It fucking hurts. 

But I do not show it. There's nothing I can do.

I am going to have to see my ex at a friend's birthday party.

I cannot peacefully get out of going to said friend's birthday party.

The election has created a whole divide in this country.

I am tired of seeing the bigotry fired on both sides.

Everything is so expensive. 

There are so much more issues than this.

You have to be guarded with everyone.

The coming holiday seasons are going to suck.

And I revel in saying "Fuck You" to people.

It appears I have some anger issues too.

This Does Not Help My Depression

A broken down car, unable to go where I please
This does not help my depression

Unable to see friends, my most stable part of life
This does not help my depression

Instead I am home, stuck in only my bedroom,
This does not help my depression

And I didn't think it would get any worse.
Boy, was I wrong.

I Saw Him Last Night

It was actually Saturday night, and by him I mean my most recent ex,
The one I cared about more than any of my exes before him.
And he was a dick.

He came in to the party and sat down. Right beside me.
Which he didn't always do when we were dating,
But of course now that I don't want him to, he does.

Then, when the group got smaller and we were all talking,
He singled out my girl friend who was still there and kept asking her to do things.
A roadtrip to Nashville. Out to Tequila Cowboys on Thursday nights for 80s/90s throwback.

What a dick.

My mom thinks he's trying to make me jealous and wants me back.
My friend who was there thinks he just doesn't know how to express he is hurt.
I think it doesn't matter why, he was being a dick and I don't want to be around that.

So here we go, to a world will I will occasionally see him.
Where we have mutual friends (though they aren't really that close).
Where we will have to learn to be pleasant to each other.

But I am not going to volunteer to see him.
I will not invite to any of my events, or go to certain ones I know he will be at.
We are not getting back together. I could write a whole blog about that.

I get that he's hurting, and this is the first time we saw each other since the breakup.
But I am hurting too. I am just moving on, getting stronger day by day.
And it helps that I got a lot of closure from one of his friends.

Bye, bye, my ex. It was fun while it worked. But we are clearly not meant to be.

What I've Learned

I've learned that adults can throw temper tantrums, too (even publicly).
I've learned that adults can be hurt, and in turn passive aggressive (more so than kids).
I've learned that there's no end to grief, to hurt, to pain.
And some adults don't admit it

I've learned that my mother has her own hurts,
Even if she won't admit them (at least to me).

I've learned that running makes me feel good,
That alcohol is only temporary,
And that you can get used to any new normal.

I've learned that I have a lot to learn,
And adulting is something most adults don't feel like doing.

And I've learned that "adulting" is still not a word according to spellcheck.
But I shall use it anyway.

It Couldn't Come at a Better Time

The cruise couldn't come at a better time.

I leave this weekend with two of my girlfriends, 

And my boyfriend and I just broke up.